kaleidoscope life

an (too) exciting night

2008-12-04T20:10:00.003-05:00

so i'm feeling kind of sick right now. i have whatever head cold is going around now that winter has set in. my roommate has been painting her room, so there's a mattress for her to sleep on sitting on the floor of my room upstairs. last night, as usual, we headed to bed around midnight. i quickly discovered i couldn't breathe at all, laying down, so i made my way down to the reclining couch downstairs.

about 30 minutes later, i hear thudding upstairs. and then roommie appears downstairs, and exclaims, "there's a mouse in your room." oh, dear. i quietly ask, "are you sure? like you actually saw the mouse, its eyes, it's little nose?" roommie confirms that she did actually see the mouse. so she proceeds to go to sleep in her paint-fume infested room instead.

about 30 minutes later, i decide to return to my room. i'm not getting any sleep, and just want to lay down. i'm a little freaked about the mouse, but it's not likely it will end up on my bed, so i should be ok.

so i fall asleep. i wake about 3:00 a.m., having to blow my nose, which i do, loudly. i lay my head back down on my pillow, and hear some noise. uh, oh. so i freeze, thinking that perhaps i can hear where the little mouse is hiding. all of a sudden, "twang!" i hear my guitar string move. that is not natural.

so i flip on the light, and tiptoe over to the window, where my guitar is leaning against a curtain. slowly, i pull back the guitar, looking for the mouse. nothing.

hmm. can it be? is it possible? could the mouse be IN my guitar? so i pick up the guitar & shake it a bit. sure enough, there's some thudding in the guitar that sounds like it could be a rodent.

so i quickly try to figure out what to do. clearly the mouse is contained, for the moment. so it would be good to get the awful critter out of my room. but what to do next . . . ? how do i get it to stay in there until morning? or how do i get it out in a place that's not in my house?

so i walk downstairs to roommie's room. i open the door. "ah, the mouse is in my guitar. what do i do?" awakening from a dead sleep, roommie very rationally suggests that i take it outside & dump it out. so i set down the guitar, put on my coat. at this time, dog decides that he would also like to go outside. so he jumps down from roommie's bed, and plants himself by the door.

so i'm putting on my shoes, stepping out onto a little porch, trying to open the outside door, close the inside door, let the dog out, and hold the guitar in my hand. all of a sudden "plop!"... the mouse jumps out and runs down a little hole in the porch.

i return to roommie's room and say "the mouse has taken this opportunity to jump out of the guitar." and proceed to let the dog out, where he romps in the snow.

i make it back to bed by about 3:30. the next morning, roommie asks, "was i imagining it, or did you come to my room in the middle of the night and tell me the mouse was in your guitar?"

yep. sure did.

to walk with the outsider

2008-11-07T14:48:00.004-05:00

Peter Rollins visited the emergent village community in my city this week. i went and observed and listened to the things that were said. Peter told a parable that he said a friend of his had dreamed. it went something like this.

the friend died. as he was walking up to the pearly gates, he had to walk past a bunch of people who he knew. they were his friends on earth, people he'd met in the pub, people he spent time with, people he loved. he walked up to St. Peter, and Peter found his name in the book of life. "You can enter," Peter said. the friend asked, "what about these people?" and pointed to all his friends and acquaintances. "They have to stay out here," Peter said. and the friend replied, "well, then, i think i'd rather stay out here too." the friend awoke, and as he did, he swore he saw St. Peter smiling, and heard him saying, "finally, someone gets it."

Peter speaks of this parable as a great picture of what it means that the church is supposed to run after the poor, the forgotten, the neglected, the outsiders. but most of the time, the church exists only to perpetuate itself.

as Peter shared this story and his commentary with the group, there were a lot of interested faces. a lot of murmurs of agreement or exclamations that this is a good picture, that these are good thoughts. but as the parable was discussed, there was no talk of action. we did not ask how to run after the outsiders, how to reflect the incarnation in our own churches, in our own communities, in our own families, or even within the emergent community. instead, we engaged the idea at an intellectual level and left it there, where it was safe and warm and harmless.

a little more than a year ago, i left the church. and this is the reason why. in the new testament, church looks a lot more like a refuge for people who are worn down and weary from their interaction and engagement with the world. instead, we have turned it into something that exists for ourselves, for our own growth, for our own spiritual edification, for our own comfort, for the education of our children, or for our intellectual development. it is not a place that we come to be equipped with God's armor so that when we leave to enter the world we have the strength of the body surrounding us.

but we have been called to love our neighbors. to love neighbors who don't know God. to love neighbors who do love God. to love prisoners and orphans and widows. to love single parents and welfare families and drug dealers and pimps. to love the homeless mentally ill man who walks down the street asking for our spare change. we have been called to love the outsider and the one who is alone.

i left the church because there is no longer any place for me within those walls. in pursuing my calling to pursue and love the outsider, i actually became an outsider.

if only that hadn't been necessary. if only there existed a body of believers that exists, not to perpetuate a system or an institution, but to encourage the members of the group in their pursuits of mission and redemption in the world. maybe someday there will be. but it will not happen until we cease to engage at only an intellectual level the idea of mission and begin to put our hands and feet to work in the world.

until then, that's where you'll find me--putting my own hands and feet to work in loving and pursuing the outsider.

2008-02-20T21:04:00.003-05:00

it seems to me that the first year of home ownership must be the most adventurous. it certainly has been for me. perhaps in years to come i will be met by adventure after adventure, but i somehow doubt that anything will be as interesting as this first year has been.

take the winter for example. how does one shut off the water to outside so that the pipes don't freeze? i have no idea. my dad was visiting in November, and he tried, but was unable to shut the valve he guessed was connected. so perhaps the pipes will still freeze & explode.

speaking of pipes... some of my pipes did freeze this winter. one particularly cold day, my roommate suddenly realized that the washer was not working properly. a few days later, the water was once again running smoothly. and then about a week later, both the hot and cold water pipes seemed to be frozen, and the dishwasher was no longer getting hot water. after that time, i started running the water occasionally through the washer & dishwasher, even when i wasn't actually washing something, just to make sure that the pipes weren't freezing. and then i investigated a little bit further & learned that the pipes run through a very cold closet. after opening the closet door, within 30 minutes the pipes had all unfrozen. and that's how i outsmarted the house and the freezing cold weather. score one for the newly minted homeowner.

and then there was the time when i decided to stay up late & put together a kitchen cart (with butcher block top--like adding an extra cabinet/island to the kitchen). so i opened it all up, got out the parts, and was going through them, when i discovered that they gave me an extra packet of one type of nuts & bolts, and failed to give me the allen wrench and the screws for the first part of the project. so i decided to go to the store to get some replacements. at this time of night (11 p.m.) there is not a hardware store open, so it was off to the regular grocery/all-in-one store.

do you know how many different kind of screws there are? and do you actually know how to figure out what 5/32 x 3/4 means? because i didn't, when i went to the store. i learned thereafter. i spent 1/2 an hour looking for screws. there were 5/32 x 2 inch screws, but those were too long. there were 8 x 3/4 screws, which were the right length, but without the appropriate head size. hmm... there were no 5/32 x 3/4. so then i thought some more, and approximated what i thought might work. and i got two different kinds--one the appropriate length & one a more comparable head size. but of course, being 11:00 p.m., i got the wrong number. so when i got home i had to use some of each. thankfully, they both worked fine. score another for the homeowner. except that a few hours later i also dropped the butcher block top on my foot. no worries though, i managed to get it together in the end.

if that is not enough, there's the adventure of snow and ice. i have quite a long sidewalk, and a driveway that goes up a hill into an alley. it's impossible to get up the hill unless you get a running start from the garage. and the garage door opener got lost the one time when my roommate ran into the garage door, so altogether the getting in & out of the house is always a good time.

ooh... and then there's the 28 year old hot water heater. still plugging away providing hot water for all. but what about that puddle underneath? is that a leak, or just condensation from the cold water as it gets heated up? the jury's still out on that one, but we think it's just condensation.

so there you go. winter home ownership at its best, at least for a newbie like me. and that's what's been keeping me busy.

changes afoot

2008-01-15T21:19:00.000-05:00

i have done a substantial amount of thinking about my future these past few weeks. i have come to several conclusions.

first, i want to change the world. with God's help, i intend to do so.

for me, the manner and means to this goal is the practice of law. law is a mission in itself as it allows me to help change lives in individual cases. it is the means because it provides me experience and gives me the knowledge and the platform to seek systemic changes. and ultimately, it is the systems i want to see changed.

i have been the mentor, the pastor, the cheerleader, the coach, and the advisor to many oppressed individuals. and while it made a difference, i could not hope to solve the problems that worked together to cause oppression.

and so i have a dream--or maybe it's a plan. i am going to build a law practice. i don't know that it will be entirely conventional, but i see it as essential to my overall goals. i will never advocate change which i do not believe to be inherently practical and workable in real life. with the rest of my time i will develop my non-profit and pour out my life and energy challenging the systems that oppress, and challenging and mentoring the coming generations to use their tremendous wealth, knowledge, and abilities to see these changes made.

i don't know that it will work. it is a risk. but the idealism of youth has stuck with me, and i will not be satisfied with less. and so i'm quitting my job with the venerable courts of my state, and i will begin this idealistic, but perhaps not totally unrealistic journey toward justice.

a new year

2008-01-01T16:42:00.000-05:00

happy new year! so i've clearly abandoned the blog, unfortunately. life has snowballed into an unmanageable amount of activities, and after writing for my job and editing papers, and working non-stop, i have not wanted to write often.

on November 21, 2007, i was sworn into the practice of law. i'm working too much. i work 40 hours a week at the courts, then teach a writing class, grade for another class, and now tutor bar exam preparation students... in my spare time, i'm still developing the non-profit organization that was formed this fall. i'll be recruiting interns for the summer and we hope to begin our first big research project within the next few months. so the days and nights are flying by. i'm hoping and praying that i'll be able to make a transition in my job to be able to work fewer hours and to have a more balanced life. i should know about that within the next month or two.

anyway, if i have any readers left out there, i hope you all are doing well, and that 2008 is another great year.

really delayed life update

2007-11-11T13:10:00.000-05:00

i passed the bar exam... yay! last night i had a bonfire where i burned up all my old bar exam study materials. it was quite a sight to behold. there were a few times when i was afraid that some of the papers were going to blow away and start a forest on fire. it took at least 2 hours to burn all the paper. i had some great friends there to help me celebrate. so i'm done. i never have to go to school again. nice to know, though i'll probably study again eventually.

in other news, my heater's circuit board is shot. during the bar exam, you may recall that i was attempting to move and teach classes, etc. so as i was switching over my accounts, i signed up for an appliance service plan. you can't get out of it for a year. total rip-off.

or not. turns out for me, it will be quite a lot cheaper to pay the $20/month for 12 months than to pay for a service call on a Sunday & a new circuit board.

so my bar-exam stupor/stupidity has turned out to be a blessing, after all.

and tomorrow's Veteran's Day so i don't have to work. instead, i'll be meeting with a former professor attempting to get the non-profit's 501(c)(3) paperwork completed. one day at a time, i guess

belated life update...

2007-09-22T13:57:00.000-04:00

so i finally joined the adult world, i think. i bought quicken and have worked out a budget, etc. i've never really had to do that before. actually, i started the budget and keeping track of spending earlier this month, but found that excel was not working for me. quicken is quite amazing--way more functions and features than i know what to do with. and it's not organized in a linear way--there's stuff all over the place. so it's going to take me a while to find everything and be able to get it down.

so... i'm trying to pay off my debts quickly. i think i could have all school loans and house paid off in 10 years. so that's going to be the goal, i think. we'll see how it goes.

and that, my friends, is all i have to report. i've been working like crazy at work, at teaching, and at forming the non-profit. i have the bylaws done, and need to get together the first board meeting. today i'm going to a local university to see a movie on justice & to try to network with students who are impassioned about justice. other than that, it's one day after another, passing by so quickly that it's all a blur.

unexpected blessings

2007-08-29T22:39:00.000-04:00

today i believe that i am in exactly the right place at the right time. i found out last week that i will be able to write while i am at the courts after all-i thought i would have to wait until i no longer worked there.

then, today i found out that i will be allowed to use westlaw from school still to write law review articles because that relates to my job as an adjunct professor!l

so... i'm ready to get started...

adventures in home improvement

2007-08-18T23:10:00.001-04:00

i want to preface this by saying that i did, in fact, get the closet rod installed in my closet...

i moved into my house shortly before the bar exam, so i just did the minimum tasks necessary to feel somewhat settled in & left the rest for later. well, later is now, so i spent today working around the house.

the big project of the day was to install a closet rod in my closet. for some reason, there wasn't one there. so i've just been storing my clothes in a spare bedroom (and on my floor, of course), and that's been working fine. but my friend's moved into that spare room, and i'm going to be working now so i'm actually going to need easy access to my nice clothes.

so anyway... today was closet day. and let me preface this by saying that i have plaster walls & that in my closet, i have one straight wall, and one wall that's on an angle. i wasn't sure how i was going to get that to work, but i had a couple of ideas.

first i had to go buy the closet rod & screws, etc. so i went to the local hardware store. i found some hardware to hold up the rod that was one circle thing, and one thing shaped like a U. the plan was to put the circle piece on the straight wall & the U shape on the crooked wall, angled so that the rod could rest on the U. so i bought those & a couple rods, and asked an employee about what to do to get screws to stick in plaster--he recommended pre-drilling & putting in anchors.

so i ended up buying a drill.

so i bring the drill home, and it has to charge for a couple of hours, of course, so i unpack the drill and start charging it, at which time i realize that the drill did not come with any drill bits.

so it's back to the hardware store, where the same guy helped me, asking "didn't i help you earlier today?" to which i replied, "yes... i didn't have any drill bits." "you didn't have any bits at all?" um... no. duh. so he hooked me up with some bits, and i was on my way for a second time.

so i got home & started going. i tried 3 different bits before i got the right size for the wall anchors. i had some trouble getting the anchors into the wood behind the plaster--the hammer just bounces off those little guys... i finally got the 3 anchors in, and screwed in the round hardware piece, flush against the wall, when i realized that it was too high--the other wall has a shelf at about the same height that i'd used. oops...

so i pulled everything out & tried to start over. but i had some trouble here. i couldn't get the anchors to get into the wood... and the plaster was falling, as i bounced the hammer off the anchors over & over again. i finally got them to work, a little bit, but it's not flush with the wall, and it doesn't look pretty. but it held, and seemed pretty secure.

i moved on then to the U-shaped hardware, and got that installed with no catastrophes, but it also is not flush against the wall. i have no idea if there's a way to get the anchors in all the way or not.

so... at the end of the day, the closet rod is put in, and all my clothes are hanging up, so i guess today's home improvement project was a success. it's a little bothersome that it's not in perfectly, flush against the wall and looking pretty, but at least it works. and i'm pretty sure it won't fall down. yipee...

in between

2007-08-04T15:27:00.000-04:00

well, the bar exam is done & over, and i'm telling myself i passed because i'm not going to spend 4 months anxious about the results. since the test i've been relaxing at home and completely enjoying the lack of responsibility and stress in my life right now. it's been a much needed break.

i start my job on August 20, but before then i'm taking a trip to SCOTLAND!!! i leave on Monday and am so excited. i have some Scottish roots, but i've also read a lot of books about Scotland or set in Scotland, and it's a place that i've always wanted to visit. so... off i go. if i have computer access i may have time to tell stories or upload pictures... we'll see. otherwise i'll regale you with the stories later. until then, my friends...

one road ends

2007-07-21T00:30:00.000-04:00

So 2 ½ years ago I started law school. It was a step of faith, and a huge one at that. Naturally I’m not much of a risk-taker, but I have taken very large risks at pivotal points in my life, where I’ve felt that was the right thing to do, where I’ve believed it is what God was leading me to do. And so on the recommendation of a friend, I took the LSAT, got a scholarship, quit my job, and came to law school. I really had nothing to go on but the hope that it was something that would be challenging enough that it could keep me interested for a number of years & something that I could actually practically use to change the world. I had no idea that I would finally grow into my personality in law school, or that I would learn to put words around the things that I have always known deep within my soul, or that in working my way through, I would create an organization that has the potential to allow me to be all of who I am at one time. I really believed that I would be a conflicted dichotomy for all time.

And so here I am, at the end of a road that I never saw myself getting on, looking toward a road with boundaries and destinations I can’t even begin to perceive. What a crazy journey this life is. There is such potential to do great things, to make great changes, to be of influence. And oh, how I long for my life to count for something—to be used by God, to bring justice to the oppressed, to bring healing to the hurting. So here’s hoping & trusting that that’s where this path is leading…

a little kindness

2007-07-13T22:18:00.000-04:00

so a while back one of the girls that i used to teach in sunday school had a sibling die. so i showed up at the visitation. i told her to call me sometime & we could get together.

about 6 months later, she did call. and i just got off the phone with her again. i was amazed that she contacted me. and this time she talked to me for an hour.

i know that i probably shouldn't be surprised that a little kindness bears fruit sometimes, but i kind of am. this girl feels connected to me. and i think that she'll keep in touch. it kind of makes me happy.

in other news, i heard from the character & fitness examiners--they're recommending me for bar admission... so now i just have to pass that test!

out of the woodwork

2007-07-12T21:19:00.001-04:00

they tell you in law school that as soon as you get your degree, people come out of the woodwork looking for legal help. i think they were right.

tonight i got my first call from a long-lost relative, looking for legal advice. mind you--i still haven't taken the bar exam yet, and i won't have my bar card until at least November... but i do know a little bit more about the law than the average person, i guess--at least that's what they think.

so welcome to the wide, wide, legal world. good times.

closing day

2007-07-06T16:46:00.000-04:00

i bought a house today.

it's a big old farmhouse-type structure in the middle of the city. it's a long, long house. it's so spread out that you could have a lot of people living here and you would never feel it. it has an attic that smells like my grandma's house (actually, i think it smells like every one's grandma's house...)

it's been wonderfully remodeled so that i really didn't have to do anything to it to move in. eventually i would like to undo a lot that's been done so that it's closer to the original, but i'm not sure that's actually going to happen. i have so many other priorities. but at least i have the option, if i want it.

i'm so glad i moved in here 2 months ago. i would not have made it if i'd had to move this week. there's just too much else going on.

it was kind of fun for me to read the note and the mortgage (now you KNOW i'm soon to be a lawyer). it sort of brought alive the whole process. i am, of course, now concerned that it gets recorded properly...

concrete dreams and my reality

2007-07-03T14:52:00.000-04:00

yesterday i ran across an email i wrote last November. it was the email where i told my friends and family that i had decided to take a job in my city, instead of moving away. i was full of hope for the future, but had little vision of what it was going to look like.

it's amazing how fast things have clarified for me. i now have the articles of incorporation written for a non-profit organization. i am teaching classes at my law school, which dovetails nicely with what i ultimately want to do. and i bought a house, to be the venue out of which this purpose will be accomplished. (or i will have, on Friday).

i have settled into a vision and purpose that is somewhat concrete and defined. true, in reality it is totally up in the air and will only gain definition as time passes. but in my mind things have solidified. i know who i am and what i am supposed to do. it's amazing.

i never really thought that would happen for me. i had begun to believe that my kind of uncertainty was a fact of life, that my personality inherently conflicted with my values, and that the conflict could never be resolved. so i am happy to have found something to do that fits both my abilities and my values. i can hardly wait until the bar exam has passed and i have freedom to plan and dream about what will be.

the weight of suffering

2007-06-26T23:38:00.001-04:00

i carry the weight of others' suffering deep within me. at times i think i carry it deeper than they themselves may feel or recognize.

i don't really know how it happens, i only know that it has always been so. my parents tell stories of me entering a room where other babies were, and if others were crying, i would cry too. i have been reading about a portion of the population that has a highly sensitive nervous system and is simply in tune with more of the non-verbal, subconscious cues that everyone recognizes at some level. these people tend, as i do, to reflect very deeply on those things they pick up.

this carrying of burdens does not happen with everyone i meet. i do not carry all burdens for all people. but there have been countless times when i have been in a person's life, at the right time and place, and have walked with them in their suffering for a while, taking on some portion of it. i think that maybe this is one of those things that i have been put on earth for.

but for whatever reason, i find myself here again tonight. carrying a burden that is not mine, simply because God's love compels me to love another. and it is a heaviness of spirit that i cannot walk away from. it is an unrest that drives me to pray and cry out to God for healing and hope and forgiveness. it is a waiting and preparation for the time when i can speak words of truth and healing and hope and forgiveness into that life.

sometimes i wonder if there is a purpose for this burden-carrying. i have learned not to think myself a savior. i have learned to think and weigh the need before asking to be allowed to carry part of someone else's suffering. it takes so much out of me.

i guess i do think there is a purpose: if nothing else a purpose of reflecting the God who carries the burden of our suffering, who holds it deeply to his heart, who reaches out to touch us in our pain.

and so i wait, again, until the time is right to listen and to speak.

property law--my favorite

2007-06-22T16:31:00.000-04:00

some days things just come together & a light bulb goes off. it sort of happened for me today with one small area of the law. there are different kind of requirements for when you buy real estate about recording your interests to protect yourself from a seller who sells his land to more than one person. these statutes are written in the most distressing format, so that unless you've read them a bunch of times, it's nearly impossible to make heads or tails of what they are saying--and even if you do, to figure out how to apply them. i don't think i fully got it when we covered it in class. today we took a practice test in a class i'm doing with my school, and i finally understood how to tell the difference between the statutes and how to apply each of them.

so for your enjoyment, here are the two most common statutes:

"No conveyance, transfer or mortgage of real property shall be good and effectual in law or equity against creditors or subsequent purchasers for a valuable consideration and without notice, unless the same be recorded." (notice statute)

"Every conveyance of real estate which shall not be recorded shall be void as against any subsequent purchaser in good faith, and for a valuable consideration of the same estate or any portion thereof, whose conveyance shall be first duly recorded." (race-notice statute)

i won't bore you with the details of what they mean or how they're tested. just thought i'd share a snapshot of the wonderful experience that is studying for the bar exam. 4 weeks and counting...

oh, and property law is actually my favorite subject. it's the most antiquated, and therefore the most complex, and therefore the most interesting to me. i suppose some commercial transactions are far more complex, but there's just something so much more interesting about fighting over LAND than fighting over money.

aiming for 75%

2007-06-19T21:59:00.000-04:00

it's amazing how perspective affects things. in undergrad, i was used to getting 95% & above on tests. that's what you had to get to get an A. that's how little material they were trying to get us to memorize at once. that's how easy it was.

not so with law. my first semester i got around 58% on my criminal law test, and i got an A, got the highest grade in the class, and got an award for it. totally different perspective. you've got to totally change the way you think to take a test & walk out of the room feeling good about what you've done.

so i just took my second practice multistate bar exam. there are 200 questions on the multistate. to "multistate out" in my state, you have to get a 150 scaled score. today i got a 147 raw, 159 scaled. they wouldn't even grade my essays if this were the real test--as long as i made a good faith effort, i would have passed the test.

but i got 53 questions wrong. 53. that's insane. i did terrible; i don't know enough. i've been trying really hard not to be perfectionistic about this test--to major on the major things, and leave the details for other people. you can't know everything--it's really impossible. in practice you have to look everything up anyway. so you've got to concentrate on the stuff they test on most often. but man, how do you leave a test missing 53 questions & feel good about it?

the funniest thing to me is that i do the worst in contracts. i spent 3 semesters as a TA for a contracts professor. mind you, the second semester of contracts is much more complex, and i never took sales, both of which are tested heavily in the contracts section. but i wonder how bad i'd be doing if i hadn't TA'd. more ironic still is that i consistently score the highest in evidence--the only subject i ever got a B in--the class that ruined my perfect gpa.

so yeah. fun stuff. my life is this test right now. wish there was something more exciting to share. only 4.5 more weeks, and then it's all over.

oh, and i've gone through 3 more pens since i last wrote...

of pens & ink

2007-06-05T18:38:00.000-04:00

today my pen ran out of ink.

i have developed an affinity for a certain kind of pen. it's a papermate flexgrip ultra, fine point, blue ink. about a year ago i ordered 15 of them online, because they don't sell them in stores anymore--apparently they've moved on to the next generation of pen--papermate flexgrip elite (or something like that).

over the past 3 weeks or so, i've been handwriting a lot of things while studying for the bar. through law school i took all my essay exams on the computer. it's been forever since i've had to do a significant amount of hand writing. so i've been writing old bar exam issues and answers by hand, and this week i started writing out flash cards to get my hands used to all that writing. so i've been using up a lot of ink.

and today the first pen bit the dust. After that, i quickly went to count all the other ones i had left--i don't want to run out of ink before the exam. and after spending so much time getting used to the weight and style of the pen, i don't want to have to adjust to another kind. so i think i have about 6 left, and i'm hoping that will be enough to get through the bar.

ah, what minuscule and unimportant things gain such significance when you're spending hundreds of hours locked away in the house, studying for such a test. only about 7 weeks left before life returns to semi-normal. i'm so looking forward to that day.

small things

2007-06-01T21:59:00.000-04:00

i found the light switch to my garage today.

this may not seem like a big deal, but it is to me. i've moved into an old house, and it's a little quirky. i've been here for 2 weeks, and never was able to figure out how to turn on the garage light. i had just figured that it was burned out, but it was so high up that i hadn't tried to change it yet. so imagine my surprise when i tried to turn on the hall light (to shine out into the garage) and finally found the right switch.

yes, this is the type of thing that gets me excited these days. since all my time is spent studying and working, it's the small things that make me smile.

losing my mind

2007-05-23T22:27:00.000-04:00

it seems i'm losing my mind.

it's connected to having too many details in my mind, i think. i'm used to carrying a lot on my plate, but most of it has been much broader and more predictable. like i'd be taking 5 classes at a time, but they all had similar work, so i was able to keep all my tasks organized in my mind. but now i have tasks & thoughts flying in a hundred different directions, so i'm not really doing any of it well.

case in point. today i had to teach. on my way to school i decided to go to kinko's to shrink down my diploma. i need a copy of it to include with my loan application for the house i'm buying... b/c they're loaning me money based on a job i haven't started yet. so yeah. i went to kinko's & it took about a half an hour to get all the machines working properly to shrink down my ridiculously-sized diploma to a reasonable size to put in the application packet.

as i was leaving kinko's i realized i'd left the other half of the stuff i needed to copy at home. so i'll be making another trip at the end of the week.

so then i go to school to get prepped for class. only then did i realize that i didn't have my powerpoint presentation with me. it was saved on my laptop at home. so i spent about a half hour re-doing the powerpoint. it's now about 30 minutes before class, and i realize that i don't have the book i need for class. they only have it on reserve on the library, so i have to get what i need out of it in the library before going to class. yes... what fun. i brought only the things that i didn't actually need for class and left everything i needed at home.

but i did actually survive the day and the class. and someday i'll have all these tasks completed. i kinda wish i didn't have anything to think about other than studying, b/c i feel like i'd be able to give more attention to it. but that might backfire, b/c i'd be so bored with the stuff that i would be going out of my mind. there are only 62 days or so until the bar exam. i have much to do before then.

and yes, i do have a planner that i use. it seems i just have to be more explicit like "bring this book and don't forget powerpoint..." so i'm working on that.

thankful

2007-05-18T22:56:00.000-04:00

i'm sitting in the living room of my new house. my graduation cap & gown are hanging in a closet, just waiting for me to try them on. there are boxes strewn around various places in the many rooms of the house. the books sit on bookshelves, but they have yet to be organized. and i'm sitting here, ready to fall asleep, writing & watching an old movie.

i have so much to be thankful for. my parents made it home for my graduation, the classes i'm teaching are going well, and i am now living in a beautiful house that has so much potential to be used for many different things. tomorrow i'll graduate from law school, and i never have to go back to school if i don't want to (i'll probably want to). and tomorrow i get to celebrate with my whole family the work i've done over the past few years. so i'm just taking a moment to be thankful to God for what i have and where i am, right this moment.

and so it goes

2007-05-04T23:19:00.000-04:00

it seems like i should have way more time to write now, since i'm done with school. but it hasn't worked out that way. i've been doing a bar review course from passyourbar.com. i picked the cheaper one that you can just do at home through audio, and i'm kind of going nuts. it's just a lot of hours a day to be sitting in front of a computer taking notes, playing games while trying to pay attention to what he's saying, and taking practice tests. by the time i'm done with studying for the day, i don't want to be anywhere near a computer.

funny the things that stick out when you listen to the same person over & over again. today i was mildly irritated that the speaker kept pronouncing the word "lien" like "lee-in". in my world it's a one syllable word. so yeah. it's been a long week listening to cds...

i've started packing to move. i hate stuff. i really do. if i could throw it all away & do without it, i would. i like books, and don't mind packing them. but those little things that just sit around, that you use maybe once every 5 years... that's the stuff i hate. but it's such a waste to throw it away & then buy it again. so i just pack it away in boxes. what fun. it'll be nice when i've moved everything & can unpack. i love to unpack things & put them away. somehow it's more creative & satisfying to me than packing.

and so it goes.

the close of one chapter

2007-04-15T10:42:00.000-04:00

well, law school is over. it's hard to believe that it really is done. it went really fast. yet it feels like such a great accomplishment. i think it's because of how much work i put in. even though college was 4 years, i just didn't have to work as hard to succeed there.

i'm working hard to savor the accomplishment. if i don't, i'm going to just start studying for the bar hard-core, but i'm not going to have the energy to make it through the end. i'm so fatigued. i pushed myself really hard for the last couple of years. this semester was tough, because i didn't have the energy left to push myself anymore. so now i'm taking a break (for like 3 days) so that i'll be at least a little refreshed when i set up my study schedule. we'll see how that works.

so yeah. only one more big thing before i can get back to just living life like a normal person. ok, so that probably won't actually happen... but at least i'll have more freedom to build relationships & spend time with people.

just for fun

2007-04-10T21:01:00.000-04:00

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house hunting... again

2007-04-04T23:05:00.000-04:00

i found a house today that i want to buy. it's a beautiful old house with the original trim & nice wood floors under carpet that was never nailed down. you come into the house & look through the large living room, through the beautiful dining room, through an arch in the wall (with 2 little arch window-like things) into a sun room. the sun room has built-in book shelves. the back yard runs up against a nature preserve that will never be built on. big bedrooms and an unfinished attic complete its charm. as a bonus, the roof is new & there's a high-efficiency furnace and a new water heater. not sure about the insulation factor or the windows, but i'm going back tomorrow to look at it again before i decide whether to make an offer.

so... after 35-40 houses, i finally found one that i really like. we'll see if i still like it tomorrow & what my friends have to say about it. it's been an adventure though. today i saw some super-cool old houses. they had some awesome woodwork and tons of potential. but they were all located in areas that wouldn't resell for as much as i'd be putting into the house to make it better. they were true money pits. but totally awesome old houses.

some houses have absolutely no charm. i went in one where they finished a basement with the ceilings about 5'9"... so short i felt like i had to duck to be down there. i saw one house that was decorated as if it were on a tropical island & whose bedrooms were all linoleumed (not carpet, not wood). but it's been fun. a nice change of pace from the pressure of studying & producing things all the time.

house hunting

2007-03-20T21:26:00.000-04:00

so i decided to buy a house this year. we have quite the buyer's market going on right now, so i'll have a lot of places to choose from. i have a list of 17 properties that i'm going to see with a realtor this friday. it's a little overwhelming, and i hope that i'll be able to keep them all separate in my mind.

but it's kind of fun too. i don't think i've ever really chosen where i was going to live in quite the same way. i always just do the functional thing, or the convenient thing, and then i adapt. i can adapt to anything. so to think of actually choosing a place because i love it or love things about it is kind of new for me.

so right now i'm looking for a place with wood floors & unpainted wood trim, a big open living room area, and 4 bedrooms. i'd love to have an attic that is already finished, or that i could finish.

we'll see if i can find what i'm looking for within my price range. actually, there are tons of possibilities already, i think.

so i'm sitting here looking at properties instead of cleaning my house... so much more fun...

4 more saturdays

2007-03-18T23:54:00.000-04:00

i'm a mere 4 saturdays away from the end of law school. one month, and it's history. it's so hard to believe that it is already time to be done. truly it's flown by in such a blur. it was only a little over 2 years ago that i started law school. and now it's done.

but i am ready. i'm excited to be finishing up. i'm looking for a house to buy this summer. i'm planning on opening a non-profit. i'm planning on passing the bar exam, so i've started studying. i'll be teaching at my law school as an adjunct this summer, so i'm planning for that. and i'm looking forward to hanging out with my family and my best friend, who will be visiting this summer. and i've decided to take a week to go camping at the end of the summer, before i start my new job, so i can recover from all this excitement...

the sheer volume of responsibilities and changes are keeping me quite busy, which is why i haven't been writing much. but things are going well, i am doing more than well, and life is good.

paid to think?

2007-03-07T23:46:00.000-05:00

one thing i noticed this week is how much time i actually have to think before i start writing. i can literally sit for 4-5 hours just thinking through all the implications of various arguments, counterarguments, and issues. then i have to re-read cases, do more research, and then think some more. i need a huge whiteboard, and plenty of time to scribble all over it.

i don't think i ever realized how much thinking time is required. and i always feel a little bit weird, just sitting there, thinking. i wonder if the people walking by think i'm slacking off. i think i'll feel especially bad about thinking when people are paying me too--because i'm not producing anything. but then i tell myself that people are going to be paying me to think.

so i feel like i've chosen the right profession. because i enjoy the process. i have fun thinking through the problems. good times...

atheism

2007-03-04T20:01:00.000-05:00

on facebook i found one of the girls i used to teach in sunday school. each person on facebook has the opportunity to say a little bit about themselves. so on her "about me" she defines herself as anti-God. her whole identity is wrapped up in the fact that she doesn't believe in God. she grew up in the church, was disillusioned, i think by her family and by the church, and so now her entire identity hinges on how she does not believe God is real.

then i was flipping through channels this week, and saw a cable program called "athiests speak" or something like that. basically it was a bunch of athiests sitting around talking about how God does not exist. what was really interesting to me though, is what they said. the only things they were talking about were the hypocrisy of the church, and the way it doesn't make sense when Christians talk about how God intervened in their lives in a miraculous way, while right next door someone is suffering and devastated.

they didn't claim that it is scientifically impossible that God exists. they didn't bring up philosophy, or argue that God is not necessary. the only thing they focused on was how the people who call themselves Christ followers have impacted their perception of God.

so i don't know. i am just reminded at the importance of my own actions. i am reminded that i really am Christ's ambassador. if i call myself a follower of Christ, then i need to live like he did. and i need to be very careful of what i say, and what i claim about God. my misunderstanding of God's character or Christ's teaching can become the false reality that someone reacts to.

moments of clarity

2007-02-20T19:09:00.000-05:00

today i remembered why i love to write. it's true... i absolutely love the writing process, everything about it. it may not be evident here on my blog, since i'm incredibly lazy about editing here. but i truly love it.

i've been working on briefs all semester--i have 3 different briefs due in 3 classes. for the non-lawyers out there, briefs are what you file with courts to tell them why they should decide something in your favor. so ordinarily i have loved writing briefs. it's basically all i did this summer, and i had a great time doing it. but since the beginning of this semester and i have struggled to force myself to write anything at all. the first draft of my first brief was truly horrible. it was like pulling teeth to sit down and write, and i only did it because i had to. this brief started out that way too... until today.

i wrestled with the material all day, after having a horrible writing day yesterday, not really feeling extremely motivated to write. i had written maybe a page after about 4 hours. and then it all suddenly started to flow. i wrote the next 3 pages within an hour, and as i finished it up, i just knew that it was the key to my whole brief. everything just came together in that hour.

and as i sat there typing the last sentence i remembered why i love to write. i love that one moment of clarity when everything that has been a complete mess suddenly becomes obvious--so obvious that it's hard to believe that i didn't see it before. i love it when the argument becomes solid and i can see counter-arguments and alternative arguments to my claims. i love the art of finding the words that paint the picture of the concepts flying around my brain.

i will admit that it's kind of odd. it's odd that i would claim to love something that is mostly work--indeed, the 40 hours i put into research & writing up to that moment of clarity, and the 25-30 i have left hardly seem worth the joy of the moment when it all comes together. and yet, it is worth it. maybe i just like the challenge--it's like solving a puzzle. and every case is a new puzzle to solve, so my mind must endlessly be working. i guess i just hate being bored.

so i'm sighing with relief because it seems that my brief experience with senioritis is finally past & i can get back to being efficient about my school work so i can go out & enjoy the rest of life as it comes to me.

and that's just life

2007-02-13T22:16:00.000-05:00

i'm in the thick of my writing requirements for the semester. i finished up a draft of a brief today, and the rest of the week i have to start writing a second brief. tonight i worked on discovery requests for another class. it's just crazy. i've been taking nights & sundays mostly off--i've had time with people scheduled & have just been trying to have a life outside of school again. but i'm kind of paying for it now. i think i'm going to have to cut back for the next few weeks. i say that, but i've got stuff scheduled pretty much every night next week already. oh well... at least i'm not bored.

so i got some really good news--i get to teach some classes starting this summer at my school. yeah--they're setting me loose on the incoming students and the top writing students. i'm really excited to get my foot in the door there so soon. it'll make studying for the bar kind of challenging, but i'll have to be disciplined in order to do all that & still have time with my family. i guess that's good. if i don't feel any pressure then i won't be very motivated to study for the bar. i'm so ready to just be done with it all & get back to real life.

my old roommate has been visiting for a couple weeks & that's been nice. and i just ran into an old friend that i haven't seen for years. we were really close one summer while working at camp, and i'd completely lost track of him. so hopefully we'll be able to get together soon to catch up.

i finally broke down & bought a new laptop. i'd been trying to just use my old one while keeping it completely stationary, but the power connection is on its way out. i can't afford not to have one right now (for the 3 weeks it would take to get it fixed), and i'm going to need on this summer too, now that i'm teaching. so i just bought one online & it should be here by the end of the week. i'm so looking forward to being able to write somewhere other than my dining room table...

and that's my life for the last couple of weeks. i've only been thinking about school so i've got no interesting thoughts to share... maybe next time.

my dilemma

2007-02-02T00:34:00.000-05:00

so i've really taken to heart the fact that i'm in school and am surrounded by people. i know that sounds strange. but for the first couple of years of law school i was in my own world. part of it was the commuting, part of it was the figuring out how to survive, and part of it was the fact that my life outside of law school was full.

so all those things have changed now, and i have classes with several people over and over, and i'm actually getting to know them. i've taken to hanging out after class with them at the bars. i'm not really a drinker, so i'm the girl that sits there with water or a coke, but i'm there all the same.

it's been really fun--it's fun to get to know people, to see them outside of class, to listen to their stories. but i find that i am really terrible about small talk. i don't do things that create small talk topics. i might watch movies & tv, but that's about it, and i don't really care to talk about it.

all i ever want to talk about are things that are important to me. i'd talk about school, i'd talk about spiritual things, i'd talk about justice. honestly i really like to problem-solve, so my favorite conversations are analytical conversations. but i think that only 2 percent of the world's population are really interested in conversations like that.

truth is, i really want to get to know my classmates, and to do that, i have to talk about shallow things for a while. because the normal person does not just open up about everything quickly--it just doesn't happen. somehow there's this period of time where you have to talk about nothing before you can start to talk about something.

so i've got to work on finding some more nothing-topics to talk about. there's got to be some intermediate topics out there--things that would be semi-interesting to me but that wouldn't freak people out. because right now i'm mainly just going and listening to people. and i don't mind that, except that then they aren't really getting to know me either.

so that's my dilemma.

brussels sprouts, but not homework

2007-01-22T20:18:00.000-05:00

i'm supposed to be doing homework right now. i didn't get enough done today, and there is so much to do. i think in a couple of weeks things will calm down a little, but right now all my classes are kind of pressing in on me. so i'm sitting here writing instead.

i came home from kickboxing and i was trying to get my computer mouse to work. but it's not. so i worked on that for like 30 minutes. i thought about cooking something for dinner (or the 2nd half of dinner, b/c i had a small sandwich before kickboxing). so i put some brussels sprouts on the stove. but the first water i put on i forgot about & just left boiling there til it was almost all evaporated. so the sprouts are still on the stove.

and why on earth am i writing about these things anyway? i have nothing i really wanted to say. i just wanted to tell someone that i'm procrastinating, i guess.

i just got the brilliant idea to work on a different class than the one i worked on all day. switching it up might be more interesting. so i'm going to try to do that. wish me luck.

moments of clarity

2007-01-21T14:20:00.000-05:00

so after i left Urbana, i was really thinking that i need to try to actively reach out to students next year. and i still really think that. but it's not next year yet.

through a couple of different conversations, my eyes are finally open to all the people who are around me right now, in my life at school. prior to now, i didn't really know anyone at my school well, except for the few i car-pooled with. but a real sense of community is forming now that we've got the campuses all straightened out, and i'm actually seeing some people in more than one class. so i'm really excited about it. i'm actually in a position to have more than one spiritual friendship, and that jazzes me like nothing else.

so in the midst of all my crazy research & studying (and there is a ton of that this semester), i'm going to be praying that God will bless my new friends and help me to see where he is already working in their lives.

and there are only 12 weeks to go until law school ends for me... woohoo!

a big question

2007-01-09T23:47:00.000-05:00

many people are talking about the processness of evangelism. they speak of the need to have intentional, spiritual friendships, where we become a part of the process, and sometimes guide the seeker toward encountering God. (see, e.g. Rick Richardson, Reimagining Evangelism (2006); Fred Peatross, Evangelism is Another Animal--Not the One We Thought, no. 97 Next-Wave Ezine (Jan. 2007), available at this site.

but here is a question that we are not yet asking--how do we (the church) equip a post-modern person to be such a friend and sometimes guide? those of us who are older, who grew up in the modern sunday school classes--we got a big-picture view of the story. we got the details of all the little stories. we have often had bible college or seminary training. we can do the work of translating these fundamental truths to make sense to younger, more post-modern thinkers.

donald miller is a prime example. he has a spectacular, innate ability to tell the story in a relevant, poetic, story-like way. rob bell is another example of a great communicator of these truths.

but as i sat in a group of college students who were listening to donald miller speak, i looked around the room. the students were in awe--here was the gospel story, again relevant to their lives. but these same students had no clue how to speak the same poetry into the lives of their peers.

donald miller, rob bell, and probably many more of the emerging voices have recieved much training--modern training, even. i would venture to guess that they are avid readers, and always avid thinkers.

but.

in a world of podcasts and instant messages, how is the next generation going to be equipped to put words around the truths that they've experienced?

i think the answer must come in the form of relationship, community. but what will that look like? and is anyone out there talking about this? more importantly, is anyone living it?

the good news is that the bible comes in story form, and the poetry that hits home today seems closer to the bible's culture than our old modern culture. so there must be a way. i pray that the Spirit will help us to find it.

and i intend to spend the next few years praying about it and living it and seeking his answer.

third-culture kids

2007-01-06T00:00:00.000-05:00

i read a book about "third-culture kids" over the time i was at Urbana. a "third-culture" kid is one who spent a substantial amount of her developmental years living outside the home culture of her parents. the third culture is the culture that is created from the high mobility and the cultural adaptation that exists for these families.

it was a really good book for me. it kind of named a lot of the issues or personality traits that i have seen in myself. it talks about the strengths and weaknesses that develop in the kids who grow up under these circumstances. it gave me additional language to describe my experience to others, which is always a good thing.

one thing that i discovered though is that i have a lot of unresolved grief--grief that i actually didn't experience. the book talked about "hidden losses," which are the losses that you don't even realize, so you can't grieve them. things like the sights, the smells, the different living experiences. then of course, there are the obvious losses of people & relationships that happens anytime you move away--especially where there was not the communication & technology advances that we have now (skype, IM, etc).

and i really don't think i grieved that much about the losses i felt at all. i think part of it was because i thought the work my parents were doing was so important that i didn't give myself permission to grieve. i guess that's pretty common among MK's especially.

so this actually explains why i feel things so deeply--sometimes i react with greater grief in a given situation than that situation actually calls for, because i'm making up for grief i didn't feel before. and i can't do things like watch movies about the Holocaust or visit a garbage dump community in Mexico because i know i can't handle feeling the pain of other peoples' situations. and when i lose a relationship now, at least for a time i feel all the losses that i ever had all over again.

so i'm not really sure where to go from here. there were some good suggestions in the book about just naming all the things/people that you lost so that you're aware of them. so that seems like a good place to start. but if nothing else, it's nice to understand what's going on.

social consciousness

2007-01-03T11:47:00.000-05:00

another thing that i was thinking about this week at Urbana is the whole idea of living as though i am aware of the oppression in this world.

our country is so materialistic and consumeristic, that we believe that we are owed material comfort. and it is so easily available to us--all we have to do is go to the store and buy whatever we need. there is almost nothing that is unavailable because of cost or scarcity.

and this availability to us is built on the exploitation of people and resources in other nations.

this is a difficult thing. because in some places, sweatshops, though they require a lot of hours, pay much better and provide much better working environments than people could get elsewhere in that country. so i have always strongly believed that the answer to this kind of oppression is not to simply get rid of these places altogether. boycotting the products made there also does not appear to be the best solution. but i'm not sure what else to do--how do i live like it matters to me that these people are working where they're working in conditions that would never be acceptable to me? i don't know. but as i become more knowledgeable about the culture in which i live, i believe that i must think about this issue and live in response to it--somehow. it is that kind of principled living that is going to lend authenticity to the message of the gospel.

and what about money? at Urbana college students gave around $1.25 million to the cause of missions. unbelievable. we have so much expendable cash that put together, really can make a huge difference in the lives of people around the world. i am convinced that simple living is another essential value. and i know that i live more simply than most people here, but i still have too much. i spend my money too easily on my own comfort and entertainment when there is much that could be done with it elsewhere. but where is the line that allows me to use my money to keep myself sane (by doing artistic things, relaxing, etc)? it is true that if i want to be able to give to others i have to protect my own mental health by giving myself these kinds of outlets. but what about all the people who live in horrible conditions and do not have those options? i don't know.

i just come away knowing that i have to think about it. i have to take the time to make principled decisions instead of just accepting the fact that this is the way things are. i don't have to buy a new house, a new car, or new clothes. i can make choices. i guess i just want them to be informed and intelligent. i don't want to settle for what is easy and comes naturally, because a lot of times that's not really the best thing.

the Christian mind

2006-12-31T20:08:00.000-05:00

about a year ago my friend Cathy & I went to hear Donald Miller speak (author of Blue Like Jazz...). he was speaking to a group of college students. i was blown away by his ability to share the story of the gospel like a poet would--and his audience was captivated. i turned to Cathy & remarked on this, and we wondered together how the college students were themselves going to be able to learn that skill.

there is a generation of us that grew up with much modern teaching--orthodox beliefs, apologetics. we were a literate generation--less literate than our parents, perhaps, but we still grew up in the era of network television and without mtv. we grew up without the internet, without many electronics. our imaginations were stimulated by mere words, and our past time was often reading or imaginative games that we created ourselves--because those were the only options we had.

but the generation that comes after us--the mtv, IM, podcast generations, these are the generations of the illiterate. yes, they can read, but most do not read to learn, to explore, to expand their minds. they read only when they have to, and are very disengaged at that. if you doubt it, ask any educator who's been working over the last 10 years. even at my law school, the professors have seen a dramatic drop in reading and comprehension abilities. and we haven't even touched on the lack of an attention span!

so Cathy and I asked ourselves who is going to come up with a way to teach this generation what they need to know to really share the gospel--really interact with their peers, based on the foundation of orthodox faith and doctrine, yet able to communicate on the post-modern level, able to tell the story of God.

today i went to a session about apologetics for the post-modern person by James Emery White. amazing scholar. his solution to post-modern apologetics is what he calls a "Christian mind." a mind that is literate in culture and ideas, a mind submitted to God and educated in the origins of western thought. he claims, along with others before him, that the battle for culture and souls is fought in the marketplace of ideas.

and i just sat there thinking that surely all is lost then. if literacy is all we have as an option, then we have already lost this generation to a spirituality that does not have anything to do with God. because this generation will not read. sure, there may be some who choose to educate themselves and enter the upper eschelons of educated society, and influence culture on a meta-scale. but by and large, this generation will go to their graves without knowledge of the living God because their peers will not do the work of developing a "Christian mind."

so what should the church do, then? is all lost because this Christian mind was not developed in our Christian families, in our churches, even in our Christian educational institutions?

i don't know. i don't have another solution to this problem yet. i want to believe that the story of Christ and his blood can be told, a person can answer the "so what?!" question to the Christian story, and this generation can come to Christ. but how?

what other options do we have?

social justice

2006-12-29T23:59:00.000-05:00

today's students seem to be incredibly socially aware--educating themselves about AIDS, poverty, global warming, & other environmental concerns. and probably as with just about anything else, more students are talking about it than are actually doing anything.

still, i think it's safe to say that students are aware of these issues. maybe it's true that the entire generation has this awareness, and not just the students. at any rate, i think that it's safe to say that the church/followers of Christ will not be respected if they do not care about these issues. put another way, a group of Christ-followers that is involved in doing something about social issues will gain immediate respect and will have a voice in today's culture.

social justice will never replace sharing the message of the gospel. but social justice lends authenticity to this message. it brings the love & live of God to that incarnational level--meeting people where they are at. it puts skin on the values and character traits that God possesses. it becomes the platform or the common ground from which we are able to speak.

but let us be wise as we begin to enter in. let us choose to seek the underlying problems, & not just the symptoms. let us educate ourselves, and use the innovation that is unique to our culture. but let us also not forget to act within relationships. let us not forget to enter cultures and problems first as observers and learners. and let us always seek to be led by the Spirit in all things.

inductive study

2006-12-28T11:11:00.000-05:00

one really interesting connection between law and faith is inductive study. when i started law school i couldn't believe how my practice in hermeneutics & inductive study helped me to learn to read cases. and now that i've been inductively reading cases for a couple of years, i have learned a lot about how to inductively study the Bible.

this morning we sat in a room of almost 200 students and did inductive Bible study together. we did it in a big group and in small groups. we were encouraged to observe, then ask questions, then try to answer them, and always to apply what we'd read & learned. the teacher didn't give a lecture, but led us through the process of reading and studying the scripture to learn what it says for ourselves. it was great. and people were engaged. and he didn't just let anyone give an opinion that was wrong, and let that fly... we weren't making the passage say just anything. when a student said something that was clearly deductive--a reading of his own opinion into the text--that student was corrected. so i think that the dangers that are often seen in small group studies as opposed to lecture can be worked around.

i think it's easier to go from inductive study to application than from lecture to application. if it's true that the point of gaining knowledge about God is to apply what we know, then that's important. when people inductively study and are involved in the process, then they are already active. it's way easier to go from that to asking "how does this apply to my life?" and then to actually apply it. at least it's easier for me.

i've got to be honest, i spend so much of my life listening to lecture, that i disengage when i'm there. i don't listen to sermons. part of it is just that i am inundated with noise and information from all sides all the time. it is not an effective way for me to learn or to be challenged to grow. but i love to study, i love to use my mind to draw conclusions, i love to make the jump from knowledge from application.

i suppose that someone might say that that's just me--that i'm built mentally to do that kind of work, but that not everyone is. and that may be true. but how many of our churches are made up of educated people, people who are more than capable of understanding the process of inductive study? and how many of us, with just a little help, could learn to use the vast resources that are available to us?

wouldn't it be better then, to teach that way in our churches? to equip people to actually learn and grow on their own and in smaller communities where there is accountability & space and time to learn and grow?

i don't know. but as i re-imagine church for our emergent service, and as i think ahead toward being involved in church development and discipleship, i want to remember that this is an option. i want to remember that because of the education level of the church in the US, because of the access to information, we can do community learning in ways other than one person getting up to speak every Sunday. in fact, it just might be more effective for the younger generations.

remembering mission

2006-12-27T17:00:00.000-05:00

there is a whole generation who waits--they are waiting to leave their mark and to see the word change. they are waiting and looking for a wold that bears the mark of the impact of God--of his Spirit. And they see beyond borders, nationalities, ethnicities, philosophies.

and why not? they are the first generation to grow up where those things that separated the generations before became irrelevant. air travel, technology, the internet... we truly live in a global village.

i got on a bus this morning to travel to the Urbana student missions convention with a bus full of college students. i was amazed to hear how many of them live with mission, seeking to change the world for the kingdom of God. unfettered by life's mistakes, and even adult responsibilities, their futures stand open before them, pages yet to be written.

and i am amazed. in my small corner of adult life, in a religious town where few have vision beyond their own backyards, i forget.

i forget that i am not the only one who sees a whole big world out there. i forget that i am not alone in believing that God wants to reach the world with the hope and truth of his love.

and i remember. i remember that what seems impossible and impassible for one person--one Christian even--is more than possible with God, if only we can see each other and work together.

and i am stunned, again, at the enormous potential that this generation possesses to change the world. and i want to be a part of it.

and that's why i am at urbana again. i am not willing to leave behind the idealism and mission i found in my youth. i am not willing to resign myself to believing and living like my corner of the world is the only one there is, or that the small insignificant details of life are all that life adds up to.

and so i'll pray again for God to move in me--to show me what he wants me to do, where he wants me to go, and who he wants me to be. i'll remember mission, and i will recommit my life to it, so that in this time of decisions, i will not settle for less.

digging out & shredding it up

2006-12-20T23:42:00.000-05:00

so i just spent three days cleaning and organizing my whole house. i totally rearranged my bedroom & moved my desk into my roommate's old room. i created files for a bunch of paperwork that's been just sitting around waiting to be organized. it was SO MUCH WORK. it was like moving. i hate moving, and i now think it's because i have to deal with all the little stuff that accumulates during life.

like what is it with paper? magazines, junk mail, documents from vendors. it's all over the place. i filled 4 trash bags full of shredded material. we're talking about a solid 4-5 hours of shredding paper. i must have put about 14 bags and boxes of junk in the trash. it's just the stuff that you don't really need, but somehow finds its way into your house anyway. ugh. but now if i move sometime next year, it should be relatively painless. i've just gotten rid of just about everything that i don't really want around.

so anyway, now it's time to relax for a bit. i get to see a good friend tomorrow. then i'll go and visit an old friend on friday. those should be really enjoyable times. i haven't done any thinking. i haven't even done any reading. funny, since i read 5 300 page books during the last half of exam week. but now i really feel like i can relax. i've got my life back.

and i'm off to Urbana right after Christmas. it should be a great conference, and i'm looking forward to having time to process and think and pray some more about my future. it's always such a great time of hanging out with like-minded people and being exposed to interesting thoughts and opportunities. can't wait! 7 days to go.

i'm hoping to have more to say when i start pondering things again. i just need a short mental break while i have the chance.

final finals

2006-12-13T17:27:00.000-05:00

exam week is the most relaxed week of school for me. odd--i know. but true. i do all my reading in the first 10 weeks of school. then i spend the next 4-5 weeks just studying. by the time exams come, i just want someone to hand me the test so i can take it. i've studied so much i'm tired of the material. and i get the test it's like a game--how can i show off everything that i know within the context of the test?

this semester i wasn't able to get as much studying done in my normal sequence. so it was just today that i got to the point that i can't stand to spend another minute studying. it's much better timing than than normal because i have my first exam tomorrow night. the last exam will be friday night. and then i'm done with exams for the rest of law school. crazy.

so it's the night before the exam, and i'm sitting here not doing anything. i could start a book, but then i'd have to finish it before i go to sleep, and i don't think there's enough time. i could start on some of my after-exam projects, but i am supposed to be resting & reserving my energy for exams. so i'm not sure what i'm going to do tonight. i hate feeling like i'm wasting time.

early december update

2006-12-05T16:31:00.000-05:00

well, i got a job for after i take the bar exam. yay! i'm going to be staying in my city & working for the state court of appeals. i'm excited about the job, and excited that i don't have to think about it anymore. now i can just concentrate on exams, the bar exam, and other things in life.

speaking of exams, next week i have my last 2 law school exams. next semester i have all practical classes--no exams there. i am so happy about this. i haven't particularly enjoyed my subjects this semester, and i'm looking forward to getting to the just plain writing and practical application of the law. i think my summer job spoiled me a little bit, because i got to see how the law actually works. that is much more interesting than just memorizing general legal concepts. so... all is well.

our new church service is in something like its 11th week. we've been having a good time. i can't say that it's exceptionally different from a normal, traditional service. i think we have more time & space for reflection. our communication style is to tell stories. we try not to be too presentational (as opposed to interactive). i think that we're forming a kind of community. we're living out the values that we speak as a group. we're working on getting people involved in the community. all really positive things. and i enjoy being a part of the leadership team.

but to tell you the truth, i'm not sure that i would go if i weren't in leadership. this has nothing to do with the service--if i was going to go to a service, i would definitely choose that one. it's just--i am not all that interested in the service time. i really just want to live life alongside other people. it's really hard to do that in a service because they're so big. and they tend to be focused on a speaker & what that speaker has to say.

many times in my life, God used speakers in services, camps, and special events to speak into my life. so i'm not discounting the value of those things. but it does me very little good to hear new information if i'm not putting it into practice. and it's easier to put it into practice among a group of people who are all walking the same direction.

so anyway... i don't know what to think about that. i don't know if it's a phase in my own life, a reaction to the organized/institutional church, or something else. but it's kind of where i'm at at the moment. that might explain why i'm a part of 2 different small groups at my church, and why i think of our times of teaching & fellowship of more like church to me. at any rate, i'm glad that i have so many great relationships with people there.

alright--i'm off to class. i'll try to post again soon.

incredulous

2006-11-24T22:07:00.000-05:00

picture this: an airport totally congested because flights are all delayed. people are sitting around, long faces--disappointed, frustrated, annoyed, just wishing they could get home. no telling when things will pick up and people will be able to leave again.

and then, a woman whips out a dancing snowman, turns it on, and the whole airport lights up, and people start singing. not only that--they're suddenly happy, enjoying life again, in spite of the circumstances. and this goes on for quite a while, and when the flights are finally called again, people are having too much fun to get on the plane.

and this is the picture that Hallmark wants you to believe is reality. they actually advertise for people to buy a dancing/singing snowman using this little life picture. things are bad, woman whips out snowman, everyone is happy.

i am simply stunned by this--stunned by these ads every Christmas. i can't believe that they try to paint their little nick knacks as the answer to frustration and bad attitudes. i can't believe that they actually sell these little snowmen by advertising this way. do people actually buy into this story? i can't even imagine it.

so yeah. i don't even know why i write about this, except that it just amazes me every holiday season. i can't even figure out what it says about our culture. i just find it fascinating.

the holidays

2006-11-19T16:13:00.000-05:00

today i decorated for christmas. a couple of days ago i was running through some songs on my guitar to use at church on sunday nights. it's amazing how the music sets the mood. so today i got out my christmas lights & the baby christmas tree that my mom got me when i went to college. it's about 2 feet tall. anyway, i have regular sized ornaments on it, as well as tiny ones, so it looks kind of charlie brownish. but that's alright. and the christmas lights are all around the ceiling of my living room. the atmosphere is great.

i didn't decorate for christmas at all last year. i didn't even really celebrate it. so this year i guess i'm making up for it by decorating early.

i'm off to our sun. night service community dinner, and then we'll all go to the all-church thanksgiving service. it should be a good time to just talk with people. as the guitar-player/music leader, i don't have a lot of time to chat with people on sunday nights.

tomorrow i start the hard-core studying for exams. i hope i'll be able to muster up the motivation.

and so it begins

2006-11-15T10:09:00.000-05:00

i downloaded the dreaded bar exam application yesterday. i even started filling parts of it out. the part where you apply to take the exam is not the awful part--it's actually pretty simple. the difficult part is the character & fitness portion. you have to list where you've lived and worked back to the time you're 16. but you also have to list an address for any trip or vacation where you've spent more than 2 weeks--2 weeks! i can't even guarantee that i remember all the places where i've spent more than 2 weeks.

the good news is that working for the feds this summer required me to already compile most of this information. the bad news is that i have to get fingerprinted--again. and this time i also have to request information from police departments in places where i've been for more than 2 weeks--just a report saying whether or not they've investigated me for anything.

so anyway, thus begins the nightmare. and i thought i was actually going to get a break over break. it's not looking so good, now.

decisions

2006-11-13T16:31:00.000-05:00

this process of deciding what to do with my law degree is a very interesting process.

since i started interviewing this fall i've been thinking a lot about what i actually want to do when i'm done. i've been taking inventories of my passions/gifts/desires. i've been praying a lot about how God might want to use the skill that i've learned. and i've attended the interviews.

and honestly, i think i'd be happiest working for myself, or working part time, and having the rest of my time & energy left over to do other things. i still want to be a part of ministry in the church--more specifically of assisting the church in its relationship with other cultures--including the greater secular culture or just cross-cultures within the church and community.

i didn't go to law school to get a career. i went because i wanted to find a way to support myself, to do something practical and concrete for the cause of justice, and to give myself the freedom and ability to give my time away.

it would be so easy to follow a particular path to a career. it's what everyone thinks is supposed to happen--you get a job, make lots of money, etc. it would be so easy to get sucked in to that. but that's not what i want. that's not why i came. i don't want prestige, and i don't even want power. if God puts me in a position of power, then i'll try to use it for justice, but if i never have it i won't be sad.

i want to write. i want to write about legal policies that need to be changed. but more than that i want to write for the church about culture and beliefs. i want to give my time to people--to the church, and also in the trenches so that i know what laws need to be changed and what would actually be helpful.

so i don't know. this all makes me think i should take the job in my city even if i get an offer to do policy/advocacy research. because long-term, i don't want to be committed to just one cause. i want to have the freedom to do a lot of different things. and staying here, paying off my bills, and getting contacts within the legal world here. i just think i'd have lots of options if i do that.

so i don't know, though. i don't want to choose the wrong thing or miss out on a career if that's what i'm supposed to do. i don't want to foreclose that option prematurely. i'll keep you posted on where i end up. it's a lot to think about.

exhausted

2006-11-12T10:01:00.000-05:00

i've managed to exhaust myself to the point of getting sick. just a little sick, but i'll get sicker if i don't get some rest.

the last weeks have been crazy. way too crazy. i think it'll slow down now & be mostly study time.

i got my first job offer this last week. i can stay here in my city and work for the court of appeals in my state. it's a research & writing job--not quite a judicial clerk, but close. and it would allow me to stay here, pay off my bills, and get into a position where i can have a lot of freedom to do whatever kind of law i decide i want to do. i really want to stay here & do this. but i have to wait to decide until i hear from the fellowship that i applied to. if i make it to a second interview i think i have to follow through, just to see if i would be better off to start there.

stranded

2006-11-04T22:06:00.001-05:00

so i was in the airport last night, trying to get on my flight. i got up to the security checkpoint and discovered that the power was out throughout the entire airport. i wasn't going anywhere soon. as the minutes crept by, the people around me were getting more and more anxious. and then suddenly, everyone was on their cell phones. they were calling friends and family to reschedule plans. they were calling assistants to try to get information on whether planes were taking off without us. they were calling the airlines to try to reschedule flights.

and i just stood there. i don't have a cell phone. there was no one for me to call anyway. there was nothing i could do.

and so i observed. it was so interesting. first, we have very busy lives. i had scheduled a full day--thursday night i had class, so i couldn't leave on thursday. so friday morning i got on a plane, made one connection, and then arrived at my destination a little before noon. i had an interview at 2pm, and then i was to get back on the plane on friday around 5. i should have returned by 8. i had a test this morning an hour away from my house that i had to get back for.

why in the world do i believe that i can arrange my life like that? i can fly 800 miles round trip in one day, and sandwich in an interview between a night class and a morning test. why do i arrange my life like that? because i can. but should i? really?

what about time for people, relationships, family, church? is our life, technically advanced as it is, really better than the days that people lived in one place, traveled less, and actually had time to live life? i don't know what to conclude about that. i just know that when i fill up my life with things--just because i can--i end up feeling like i'm not really living.

second, it was really interesting to me that people wouldn't just stand there in line, waiting. we americans can't stand to wait. this situation was vastly beyond our control. the electricity was either going to come on, or it wasn't. the planes were leaving, or they were waiting for us. there was absolutely nothing that any of us could do. but i was amazed at how people did what they could to fix the situations that they were in. for the most part, all their efforts were in vain. but at least people felt like they were doing something about the situation. no one could stand to just wait.

and i wondered how that translates to our spiritual lives. the lack of an ability to wait seems to be a cultural phenomenon. we want things done right, and we want those things to happen right now. but i don't think that in the spritual realm things always happen that way. there are times when waiting is necessary, when God asks us to simply wait on him and trust. and there's something within us that doesn't want to do that. we want to fix it--to make things happen--to get ourselves out of the situation.

i think we have to work on that. i know that i have to work on it. i like for things to be settled and sure. if they're not that way, i'm not terribly patient while i work to make them that way. but there are times when i have to just wait. i'm kind of in one of them now, as i explore and try to hear God's direction for my future.

the good news is that the power came on again after about an hour & a half. a wonderful ticket agent got me on a flight with a different airline and i made it home just a couple hours late. i actually made it to my test this morning and was awake enough to take it.

one trial down

2006-11-02T22:59:00.000-05:00

so tonight was my first trial. most people had partners, but i had to work alone. there were some good & some bad things about that. when i made a mistake, there was no one to catch it or fix it but me. but i got tons of practice.

there is momentum to trial. once it starts, you can't really stop it. you're off & running, and there's nothing to do but go along for the ride. so that's why preparation is so important, i think. you have to anticipate where that momentum will take you. and to some extent you have to control the momentum & make it work for you. it is a bit overwhelming, actually.

but overall i did a good job, according to the teacher. i nailed the closing argument. my opening statement was too short. apparently i did fairly well on the direct examination, evidentiary issues, and other such things. overall, i did a good job. so that's good.

my witness was awesome. i had my friend (who's not in the class--actually she's not even in law school) play 2 different witnesses. she did great. she was a drama queen, but still got out there everything that needed to be said. she was super-easy to work with. so that's great. for the next 2 trials my partner will be playing my witness, so that will be nice too.

anyway, fun stuff. 2 more trials to go. i've got one week til the next one.

interview reports

2006-11-01T13:45:00.000-05:00

well... the first two interviews of the week went very well.

monday's was the interview with the advocacy/policy clinic. i would absolutely love the work. the people seem really, really nice. it's completely the reason i went to law school. i think if the job was offered i would have to take it. but i'm not so gung ho about moving to that state for 2 years, and then having to look for a job and get established all over again. so there are really great things about it, and not so great things about it. i should know by the 15th whether i'll have a second interview with them.

interview 2 was yesterday--at my state court of appeals doing the initial case analysis. it would be a great job, and a great place to start. after a couple of years there i would have already been able to pay off all loans and maybe have saved up some money so i could go off on my own or have the flexibility to be more creative with my legal career. it would also allow me to stay in my city & continue to contribute to the church i'm involved in, and participate in the small groups & other community i've found here. so i'm not quite as passionate about this work, but it's a really, really good option. i should hear by late next week whether this position will be offered. and they allow me to wait before i tell them yes or no, to pursue the other leads that i have until i'm comfortable saying no to them and yes to this position. so that's a huge benefit.

today i officially finished my reading for this semester, and i think i briefed the last case i will ever have to brief in law school. yay! next semester i'm taking writing/practical classes so i will not have to do this kind of study any more. so i actually have 5 whole weeks to break things down & memorize stuff for exams & i've only got 2 classes. i've got no excuse not to be super-prepared.

tomorrow's my first mock-trial. i don't know what else to do to prepare, probably because i haven't been through one before. i keep thinking that i should be freaking out or working hard on something--i just don't know what to do. so i'm not worrying about it. i'm hoping that it will be a fun and challenging experience. and i'm sure that i'll know afterwards what i should have been freaking out about right now. :)

and then friday is my trip to my 3rd interview this week--another state's court of appeals to do a comparable job. i'm not sure what to think about this one, so i'll let you know after the fact.

i am tired, as i expected i would be this week. but i'm feeling pretty good about things too. i'll keep you posted on the results.

interviewing craziness

2006-10-29T09:27:00.000-05:00

i have an absolutely crazy week coming up. thursday is my first mock trial. i'm kind of excited about it, and nervous too. there are a lot of details to remember.

but anyway... i have 3 interviews this week. i'm not sure why they all come up at the same time, but that seems to be the way it goes. monday i have a phone interview with a policy/advocacy fellowship. i would absolutely love this job--it's exactly the kind of thing that i had in mind when i came to law school. it's my first interview with them. there are 10 of us interviewing, and 3-4 will be invited for a second interview.

tuesday i have an interview here in my town with our state appeals court. it would be a research and writing job, which would be totally relaxing and low-stress for me. it would also put me in a position to do appellate work when i finish there. and as much as i am enjoying the practical courtroom stuff, i still think appeals work is a little more realistic for me to do long-term. this is a second interview, and from what my dean at school says, i'm a shoo-in to get an offer from there. so we'll see how that goes.

friday i'm flying to another state for a job at their appeals court, also research and writing. this would be a great opportunity, and this state is probably a little more prestigious, if that's possible. this is also a second interview, and i really liked it there the first time around. i was going to drive, but i can't afford to, because i've got to take the lawyer's ethics test on saturday morning (don't laugh), and so i'd have been exhausted. i'd really like to only take that test once.

so anyway, i'm looking at an extremely busy week, and next week will also be busy because my boss is out of town, so i'll be working about 32 hours instead of 12. so yeah. i don't have time to think about much else right now.

i'm really blessed to have so many opportunities. i'm just praying for wisdom as i try to figure out what to do after school's done.

stories

2006-10-19T22:09:00.000-04:00

i'm a terrible storyteller. really. something funny happens (funny to me, anyway), and i remember it to tell later. so then i tell the story, but no one laughs. i never put the appropriate drama into it. i am the master of the understatement.

so i didn't expect to really want to do trial work. i'm much more of a listener than a talker. but i'm taking a class this semester on trial skills, and i'm totally loving it.

tonight i had to give a closing statement. and i got up, and i did it. and it was good. truth is, when you put me in front of a crowd, i can totally perform. i'm good at seeing the story in the facts, and i'm good at communicating the story.

so i don't know what to think about that. this summer when i was doing trial stuff, i was always really stressed. but i think it was more the fact that i didn't know what i was doing. now that i'm having practice, i really like it.

we'll see if i still like it after doing the three trials i have this semester. the first one is two weeks from today.

free flowing

2006-10-18T22:49:00.000-04:00

i'm trying to get lots of feedback on our new service at my church. i asked a guy that i know what he thought after his first visit. he had come in about 10 minutes late to the service, so he didn't hear all the explanations or instructions.

we have kind of a free-flowing thing going, with options for how involved you want to be. that probably doesn't make sense. we've been trying to communicate that people are welcome to participate to the level they are comfortable, recognizing that people are at different stages & might want more or less participation, and also recognizing that people worship in different ways. so there are options for response at the end of the service, options to pray, to continue singing, to be creative, or even to leave.

so anyway, this guy was saying how he was a little lost and confused. he seemed like he kind of wanted to be told what to do.

and i can understand that. but.

but when i go to church a lot of times i just check out mentally. people tell you what to do, you sing, stand, sit, listen (or zone out), etc. to me i think that having choices of how to respond means i have to actually be engaged. does that cause some discomfort? maybe. will it take getting used to if you've spent all your life going to church where there's procedure all mapped out for you? definitely.

but i kind of like it. i like the idea that you are forced to be engaged. even if you get through the first portion of the meeting as a passive person, a choice is set before you to get involved at the end and actually respond in a meaningful way. that's cool. really cool.

but i guess we can work on the communication aspect of things--making sure that people know what they're choosing. and there will be times when we do more strongly directed group activities.

and another thought--how do we keep a unity within the diversity of response? there is a purpose & a benefit to having some measure of order. i don't think things have been out of control up to this point. but it would be good if we could keep a balance so that it doesn't get there.

so... interesting things to think about.

grandpa at the gas pump

2006-10-11T22:34:00.000-04:00

so here's a fun story. i'm on my way somewhere yesterday, and i see gas is up to 2.25 again. so i drive by another corner & the gas is still at 2.08. so i decide to stop and get some. busy parking lot, busy time of day. there are lines to the pumps.

so i get out, pump gas. meanwhile, one man tries to squeeze through a tiny space between the rows of cars pumping gas (and right beside me) to get to the other side, but a gigantic truck backs into his place. so this guy backs up & waits behind me. i notice this is an old guy. he cracks some comment to the trucker standing nearby who is filling up the underground tanks.

all is well.

i finish pumping and grab my receipt & get in the car. so then i sit down to record my gas purchase, mileage, etc. in my little maintenance book (yes, i really do that... it's an old car). so anyway, i'm 5 seconds into my writing, and i hear a shout from behind me. "hey! i want that spot." not sure what's going on, so i mind my own business & continue writing. then i hear, "hey! lady! i want that spot!" so i turn around. sure enough, the old guy in the car behind me is actually yelling out the window.

now you've got to understand... the rows between the pumps were difficult to get through--a really tight squeeze. so i'm thinking that i'll just wait a second until it's actually safe to proceed--besides which i'm recording my stinking mileage. so i just sort of give the guy an incredulous look and finish the writing.

so the guy gets out of his car. mutters something, yells something else, "hurry up!" and of course i'm thinking... gosh, i should be checking my oil, immediately wondering how i can draw this stop at the gas pump out as long as possible (remember, old car). but lest i give the man a heart attack, i safely proceed forward because by now the truck in front of me has left.

and all is right with the world once more.

so this day goes down in my little life history as the day i almost got beat up by grandpa. it's sad, really, that a 30 second wait at the gas pump is going to cause a person palpitations. i really hope that my life is always more meaningful than that.

new job

2006-10-04T17:28:00.000-04:00

today was my first day on the job at my school. i had to get a job or get a roommate, since my roommate moved overseas. the job came up first, so i took it.

so anyway, i went to work today at 10 am. first, i read a book (2 hours). next i worked on locating some hypothetical questions to work through with students. (1 hour) third, we talked about my access to technology such as calendars, etc. (30 minutes) fourth, we talked over a few administrative details. (30 minutes) fifth, we talked about life (45 minutes). sixth, i read another book (3 hours).

i read for over 50% of the day, interesting things, and i was being paid to do it. i'm sure that not everyone would find that an exciting proposition, but i loved it. it was totally relaxing and very interesting. if only i could be paid to learn every day. how refreshing.

tomorrow's the beginning of a long road trip to an interview on friday afternoon. wish me luck.

culture matters

2006-09-23T13:31:00.000-04:00

tomorrow's the big meeting/run through for the new service my church is starting to reach the "emergent" generation. we're going to talk the interested people in our church through our vision and strategy for this ministry. it appears that i'm going to be saying something about why such a thing is even necessary.

so i've been thinking about this--actually since last Sunday when i was in church. i've been thinking about the peace child. since the apostle Paul, Christians have entered cultures and tried to communicate the message of the Gospel. Paul looked around & pointed to the unknown god, and said that's my God--let me tell you about him. the missionary in the peace child went and lived among a people group for a really long time, studying the language and the culture, and eventually he saw something that they did that was a picture of what God did. so he pointed to their ritual of the peace child, and said let me tell you about my God, who sent his own peace child to earth to restore all mankind's relationship to him through that child.

and i think--how powerful.

did the message of the gospel change between Paul and the peace child?
no.
did the truth of God's word change?
no.
did the truth of God and his character change?
no.

but the way that message is communicated changed--it had to change.

so often we trip over language and culture when we try to communicate who God is and what he has done in us. it takes a student of culture to learn the words and the pictures that are already present in a culture to accurately communicate those truths to that culture. if we don't, then we can speak the truth, but who will hear us? who will understand?

culture is. it exists. it's not good, it's not bad, it just is. we communicate within the context of culture. we have to understand culture in order to truly communicate cross-culturally. if we don't, we're just saying words that don't make sense to anyone.

so that's what's behind our new ministry. we need to learn how to communicate to the heart language of the post-modern/emergent/emerging culture. we are not experimenting with the truth. we are not leaving the faith. we seek only to effectively communicate the message of Christ to a new generation.

interviews & transitions

2006-09-19T23:02:00.000-04:00

so i had my second interview of the season today. the first one was last thursday--an interview for a research position with a court of appeals. today's was a law firm in a somewhat grungy midwestern town. they actually interviewed at my school though, so i only had to drive about an hour.

i really hate interview season. i don't mind the interviews themselves... sometimes they're even kind of fun. but all the planning & preparation & driving. yesterday i must have done 20 cover letters and assembled that many application packets. it takes forever! and i just got another interview scheduled today for a west coast attorney general's office. i'd have to fly out there if i get a second interview. so then i have to ask how much money i can afford to spend on these little shindigs. when you interview with the government they don't pay to get you there. i don't really know what to think about those things. then there's the question of how much school to miss. i have a really small course load, so i think if i never went to class i'd still be able to pass my classes. so i don't know. i'm praying for wisdom about all that & that i'll just find the right place to go next.

funny thing about the firm job. what is somewhat appealing to me right now is the thought that i could stay there for a while. there's no end date. i could just work there, i could stay for 7 years & become partner (or shareholder, as they call them there). but anyone who knows me knows that the likelihood that i'd stay at a firm for that long is not that great. as much as i'd like to invest in one community for a long period of time, my exposure to the world has been too vast. there is always one more thing that i want to do for one more underserved population...

so transitions are coming. there will be tough decisions to be made. knowing my academic record & my recent work experience, i will probably have several options. so yeah--this will be a year of transition & decisions.

just a few more days

2006-09-05T23:20:00.000-04:00

ok, so i know i've been terrible at posting. i had an awesome summer at my government job. i got to write some awesome things and do several court appearances. then i had a lovely trip to visit my family in asia. one of my best friends met me there & we caught up for several days. now i am back home, with school just begun, and am trying to get a feel for things again. in addition, my roommate of about 5 years is going to be moving overseas to teach english. she leaves in about two weeks. so i probably won't post much between now and then, but after that... get ready. i'd expect that i'll have a lot of time to write and think about things.

tribute

2006-08-21T23:38:00.000-04:00

i don't know if you knew then what you would mean to me. i don't even know if i knew. 3 1/2 years--it could be just a moment, or it could be a lifetime.

you were the witnesses to a part of my life that has turned out to be one of the most important parts in terms of my identity. thank you for inviting me in to your community. thank you for loving me as a sister and taking care of me while i was here. thank you for being such a fundamental and important part of my life.

i enjoyed catching up with you all last night. Kum Yew, Stephen, Stanley, Alvena, Iris, & Dennis... thanks to you & the YFers of old. Please keep in touch--i don't want to lose you all again.

broken hearts and broken minds

2006-06-24T19:57:00.000-04:00

he's one step away from suicide.
he's very nearly lost his mind.
he's asked me to come 1000 miles to take care of him. he cannot go through life alone--he won't make it. i am one of 2 authentic christians he knows. what i do is inextricably linked to the way he views God.

i will surely fail him.

and my heart is broken.

i have watched him go from one of the most brilliant and compassionate men i have ever known to a person whose mind is very clearly broken. i fear it will never be restored. and my heart breaks for what he could have been.

i see him now, reaching out to me, because i have shown him unconditional love. and when i do not show up to help him, i will be one more christian who has failed him--one more person who was supposed to care, but didn't care enough.

and i don't--i don't care enough. i don't care enough to sacrifice everything to help one broken person.

but it's not that i'm not willing. because i am. it's just--i would have to sense God calling me to do so, because i have such a sense of calling for the place i am in right now.

i wonder though, why God would not provide some person--me or someone else--to incarnate the love of Christ in his life? why wouldn't God ask me to go? why does this man have to suffer, and perhaps die, alone?

i just wish that there was a community of people who could rescue this man. even if i was able to be there for him, i would never be enough. one person cannot fix a broken person. i'm not even sure that a community can fix someone. but i do believe that a community can bring a measure of spiritual and emotional healing. but it's got to be a community.

why isn't the church that kind of community?

scripture's authenticity

2006-06-13T23:22:00.000-04:00

so i've started, or thought about writing, several posts about my experiences in my job this summer. but i'm not sure how much i can share and still protect the confidentiality of the clients, so i've opted for caution--no need to ruin my legal career before it starts.

i had a great meeting with my pastor this week regarding the new ministry we're starting at our church. we talked a little bit more about the content of the messages and the focus of our body. so here's one thought.

one of the major issues that the modern church has with post-modern people is about their use of and respect for scripture. there is a great concern in the modern church about the sanctity and reliability of scripture. there is absolute truth that can be known. this truth is found in the Bible. you can trust what the Bible says because of how it came into being and how it has been used by the church over the centuries. there is life in the Word that is not found in other books.

but for the post-modern person, the sanctity and reliability of scripture is relatively unimportant. this is because spiritual truths will be confirmed and validated by the lives people live rather than the words printed on the page. it matters little what the Bible says if you aren't living what you say it says. if you live scripturally and i can see a difference in your life that is positive, then maybe i'll listen to what you say. but even if the documents are proved reliable scientifically, i don't care unless it affects the way you live your life. scripture and truth is authenticated by the lives of the believers who live it. to the post-modern person, the reliability of scripture will never be validated unless living by scripture produces the fruits of the spirit.

is that really so wrong? i honestly think that if you look at the teachings of Jesus, he too focused on how knowledge is translated to action. a person never really knows the truth until he or she puts it into action. at all times in history the Bible has been called into question because of the inconsistent lives of those who call themselves believers. i'm not saying that there aren't proofs to show that the Bible is reliable and can be trusted. i'm only saying that for the post-modern person, that whole discussion misses the point. this is because it's only when the post-modern person interacts with a beliver who lives what the Bible says that the Bible is authenticated and given credibility.

good news

2006-05-26T19:45:00.000-04:00

guess what!! guess what!! guess what!! guess what!! guess what!! guess what!! guess what!! /jumps up & down...

my scholarly writing paper from last semester got accepted for publication in our school law review! i really didn't expect it - it's on more of a human interest/human advocacy topic that is not too popular. i didn't think it had much of a chance. but... i was wrong. so now i embark on the journey of becomming published. what fun!

i am loving my summer job, by the way. i've already written an appeals court brief and next week i'll be conducting a preliminary hearing. i'm going to have lots of great writing samples when i'm done. but more importantly, the attorneys here are extremely approachable and have taken lots of time to speak with me and give me advice. so i'm greatly enjoying myself.

i have a couple of posts in mind about the emergent church/post-modern culture, but i just have not been able to write the last couple of weeks. i hope to have some time to do so soon.

have a great memorial day weekend. i'm definitely going to get some relaxing in.

settling in

2006-05-06T21:50:00.000-04:00

so this week has been a week of settling in. i've started my summer job, and i think i'm really going to like it. i spent about half my time this week visiting different courtrooms and observing the proceedings. i had a chance to visit both the state and federal courts, and noticed some major differences between them. i also have met tons of people at work, and i really like them. they have been extremely friendly.

one thing i'm having to get used to is the fact that i have entered this office with the respect of my coworkers. i am used to going in somewhere and starting from the absolute bottom rung. but there is a level of independence that i will be allowed to have right from the start. it's really nice, actually. i'm not sure if that's just my office or the law world in general, but i'm really going to like the freedom to be self-determined.

after work i've been busy seeing people that i don't have time to see normally. it is going to be a summer where i'll actually have time to relax. i will actually leave work and be able to think about other things. i'm going to be very happy that i chose this job.

and i had a law review meeting tonight, where the editors were actually nice. wouldn't you know it--i got the editor that i thought liked me the least during the interviews. he's totally different now - i'm not sure if it's because the faculty supervisor cracked down on them because of how inappropriate their interview styles were, or if it's because he really is a nice person, but i'm also feeling much better about that. so yeah... that's good news. i just wasn't sure what to expect from this law review experience.

hopefully i'll have some more interesting things to say this week as i get totally settled in....

passing the time

2006-04-25T23:04:00.000-04:00

i attended an administrative proceeding regarding an arrearage for child support payments today. it was for a man who had been paying on the debt for years, but at a very low rate because he is on a fixed income, and at the rate he was going with all the fees that were regularly assessed, he would never be able to pay the debt off. however, he had already paid off the principle & just had a bunch of fees left over. so anyway, i got to see justice done as the administrative judge agreed to discharge his debt. it was such a relief to him as we walked out today, and it was great to be a part of his joy. it's good to see the law working to effect justice--sometimes in school it's hard to tell whether justice really is done in our legal system.

i then proceeded to finish up a fun book (whodunnit mystery, British style) and read two others on equality in marriages. i'm going to see a friend of mine later this week who is in the midst of pre-marital counseling and was asked by the pastor: "do you understand your role as a wife?" so i was just looking for some material that would give her a biblical basis for her belief in gender equality & egalitarian marriage. one of the books was not that great, but one was pretty good. so now i'll have a direction to point her in.

i got a few more books on emergent church issues from the library, bought several fiction books at bargain prices, and started looking into material to maybe do an Old Testament Survey Bible study with a friend of mine next fall...

it seems i really will continue to be busy. but hopefully my business will be a little more diversified over the next year than it was this year. i'd like to be involved in spiritual growth & discipleship as well as my academic pursuits.

emerging thoughts

2006-04-24T22:07:00.000-04:00

i've been reading up on the emergent church during this break, and had some great conversations this weekend about what's going on and where we should be headed. i've many thoughts going through my mind right now, but i'll just talk about one thing for this post.

one interesting thing about the emergent church in the US is that it's mostly made up of Christians who have been hurt in more modern churches. many times these injuries come from misunderstandings & miscommunication between the generation. these hurt people have left their churches, often staying away from church for a long time. when and if they come back to church, they're looking for a place where they will be accepted for who they are - even though they drink or smoke or just generally live a life that's not perfect from the outside looking in (as defined by the common churchgoer).

it does not appear that the emergent church is made up of new believers - the post-modern thinkers who are becomming Christians. one wonders if post-modern thinkers are becoming believers at all. if they were, initially it doesn't seem like it would matter where they went to church. this is simply because the post-modern person will likely never believe apart from a relationship with a genuine Christian living an authentic & consistent & grace-filled Christian life and would probably be content to attend any kind of service. however, as time passes, it is almost certain that the cultural and philosopical differences would begin to hinder communication and community and cause injury to new Christians just as has happened with many post-modern people who are already Christian.

it seems like something must be done about this. either modern churches need to learn to speak the language of the post-modern person, or post-modern persons have to have another option. unfortunately, most of the books i am reading by emergent theologians are written in such a way that they threaten the very foundations of the modern person's faith. as a result, people are spending more time arguing about these issues than learning from one another and working together at some sort of solution--a way to make the church a place for both modern & post-modern thinkers.

i really do think that it's possible for a post-modern person to follow Jesus. though trained in modern thinking as a soon-to-be-lawyer, i would consider myself more postmodern than modern, and i am a follower of Jesus. and as much as the modern church in many ways is judging the post-modern mindset and saying that post-modernity is unbiblical and is a threat to Christianity, post-modernity is a cultural phenomenon, a world-view, and one which will be with us for a while. i do think it's time that the conversation turned toward working together to reach the post-modern thinker. i hope that we will move in that direction.

counting down

2006-04-16T19:50:00.000-04:00

i spent my teenage years counting down the days... it was always something--counting down to when we would next be in the states, counting down until the time when i would start college, always counting down. since that time i've learned to appreciate each season of life as it comes, enjoying at least some things about every phase of life that i enter.

but i've got to tell you that i'm so happy this semester is done. as much as i enjoyed writing my papers and learned that writing is something i really want to do in life, i'm glad to be done with this semester. it has been the most exhausting one yet, and i'm not sure if it's the cumulative effect of 4 straight semesters or simply the fact that i was studying & writing constantly during this one. i'm so looking forward to a summer job where i can just focus on doing a good job while i'm there and having a little space & time out of work to enjoy life.

meanwhile, i'm on break, and doing my best to sit around an do nothing... we'll see how that goes. i'll start work in 2 weeks, but until then i'm freeeee!

studyin'

2006-04-04T22:28:00.000-04:00

it's that time of year again. 5 more days to study & then i've got to know everything there is to know about evidence, tax, and remedies. with just those 3 exams, i'm feeling much less stressed than is normal for exam time. it actually feels downright luxurious.

so studying is where i've been, and it's where i'll be until about Easter Sunday. It's unlikely there will be much action around there until then.

on a more interesting note, my church is talking about starting an "emergent" worship service this fall, and i'm to be involved in the planning and organization of it. so i'm sure there will be some thought-provoking blogs on that topic coming up.

secrets

2006-03-26T22:39:00.000-05:00

you may have noticed the link to postsecret on the right side of this blog. it's a link to a blog where people send postcards of their secrets--secrets they've never told anyone before. the guy who runs the blog picks 10-20 every week to post on his site.

so what is it that draws people to send their secrets in to a total stranger? why do they want their secrets to be known? what need is this site meeting in peoples' lives? because it is meeting a need. the man who manages the blog is inundated with postcards daily. people are reading them all the time, and many people make a connection with the cards that are posted.

i've got to believe that part of the draw is that there are very few places in our society where it is safe to be human--to be imperfect--to have issues. at work we are expected to produce with an eye only to monetary gain. our homes are so busy that there is little time to make deep enough connection to be concerned with enabling those around us to learn and grow. and there is little grace. in the christian world there is often an expectation of perfection... you don't bring your problems to church. in the secular world there is more of an acceptance of non-perfection, and yet there is little concern with reaching outside of onseself to meet the needs of others, especially those who are mere acquaintances.

so my question is this... is this a need that the church should be meeting? is there a way that the church could become a community of grace and connection in such a disconnected society?

i can tell you for sure that it will never happen in a program-oriented environment. and it will not happen if the only thing that happens at church is the normal singing/preaching worship service. not that these things are bad in themselves, and not that they are not necessary for some purposes.

but somehow the world has changed so much that people no longer have true community. gone are the days (in most places) where people walk next door to borrow a cup of sugar. people don't know each other. at all. you can go into a social setting and be whoever you want to be, and come home & be someone completely different. you can be whoever you want to on the internet and make lots of internet friends who see only a one-dimensional picture of who you are.

but there is still a deep longing for connection, a desire to be known and loved unconditionally. i firmly believe that if we can figure out how to make the church that community of grace and connection, the church will be able to reach this generation. how to do so while maintaining a commitment to discipleship and a grounded theology is the challenge we now face.

adversarial indeed

2006-03-17T00:07:00.000-05:00

so i had my law review interview this weekend. law review is the legal journal published by each legal institution. it's the journal that has rigorous requirements so that only the top students make it in. it's also the student activity that the most prestigious institutions require before you will even be considered for a position with them.

the interview was not pleasant--at all. out of all the legal interviews i have had this year, this one was the worst. it was everything that people don't like about the legal world. it was a committee of egos attacking my character and ability and willingness to contribute to the law review. it was rude questions and interruptions. it was simply horrible. i left not wanting to join. i left thinking that some of the editors had a personal problem with me. i tried to discern whether it was my grades, my writing style, my commitments to church and faith... i couldn't figure it out.

and then i started talking with the other students who'd interviewed. they explained they had somewhat similar experiences, though i'm not sure anyone else thought it was as personally directed as it seemed to me. so then i thought maybe the board was just trying to weed people out--people who don't belong because they won't work hard or aren't tough enough.

but then i had my final draft conference for the paper i'm writing for sumission to the law review, and my professor asked how my interview went. she then told me that though all her other students had the same experience, it was not typical of our law review interview. she basically apologized for the board's behavior and told me that she had already complained to their advisor and requested that something be done about it.

even during the rude questions and disrepectful attitudes, the committee kept asking me questions about being willing to sacrifice for a team and whether i would be willing to go the extra mile to make sure things were done. it seems counterintuitive to me though, if you're going for teamwork, that you would start out by disparaging your team members. somehow that doesn't seem like the kind of teambuilding that i would want to do if i were heading up the team. for all the competitiveness and adversarial nature of the legal world, i still believe that you get the best out of a team if they actually believe they are valued and respected and have something to contribute.

so i'm taking a position on the law review, but i'm not excited about it. i think there's a real possibility that it could be a horrible experience. but i do it because it has to be on my resume.

for the most part i've had a really positive experience with my school. i've had great professors, the other students have been interesting, and i have learned a ton. for the most part, my school actually has a collaborative atmosphere, meaning that though there's competition for grades and such, people really do help one another out. this is the kind of experience i would have stereotyped law school to encourage, but had hoped to never have to encounter. i suppose if it is the worst that i have to endure, then i will have gotten off pretty easy. but i am very disappointed in our law review, and am now looking forward to the day it will be over for me.

it will be interesting to see if it's really as bad as the interview made it seem.

it's done!!!!!

2006-02-26T23:30:00.000-05:00

well... the first draft at least. i've really only just begun. now comes the editing, tweaking, supplementing the supporting authority, and other such activities. but i can at least go to my other classes tomorrow with one less thing to think about.

40 pages. 223 footnotes. hundreds of hours expended. several hours today of complete doubt that i have anything to add to this discussion whatsoever. but, praise God, i was able to push through that, and hopefully have come to the other side & will be able to just concentrate on making it better.

the longest paper i ever wrote before this was 26 pages long, which i had to shrink the font quite a bit to get it down to 20 pages... do you know i've never had to enlarge the font to make something longer? i think i have a tendency to babble when i write, which i seem to be doing right now.

/breathes sigh of relief.

i shall return another day.

nightly update so i feel like i'm making progress

2006-02-26T01:28:00.000-05:00

30 pages

170 footnotes

3 more pages of outline to cover, plus the intro and the conclusion, so i'm guessing about 5-6 more pages.

will i be able to finish it tomorrow??? that's the goal...

nighty night.

chaos of the mind

2006-02-24T22:08:00.000-05:00

my head is just absolutely swimming from writing all day.

i love it.

but it's amazing to me how long it takes to get things down on paper. after doing other things all week, to get back into the groove of what i'm saying and where i'm going with things took at least 2 hours. and then to just get into the rythm of, "write a sentence, do a footnote; write a sentence, do a footnote," took at least another hour. but by this time of the night, after working for about 9 hours, i don't want to stop. however, the mind-swimming is somewhat detrimental to the paper-writing process, so it's time for me to break for the night.

i'm at 20 pages, 121 footnotes, and i'm a little more than halfway through the outline. yipee!

(and i know that all you non-lawyers--and maybe even some lawyers--are out there thinking how wrong it is for someone to be happy about writing a paper for 9 hours on a saturday... but what can i say, it's a strange sort of sickness i have, i guess...)

a paradigm of growth

2006-02-21T00:22:00.000-05:00

well, i'm about 15 pages and 100 footnotes into my big paper for the semester.

i'm really, really enjoying the process. i know it's just a little bit crazy, but the process of taking almost endless research and turning it into a legal argument is very enjoyable for me. i enjoy the big-pictureness of it, i think - the analysis and synthesis of many parts into a cohesive whole. i enjoy the possibility that it might impact actual lives or policy.

choosing the job that i did for the summer, the place where i'll be researching and writing the days away, is a little out of character for me. i had another great option that would have put me in the courtroom as a prosecutor for the summer. normally, when given a choice between something i would love and something that would challenge me, or between something i perceive as "easy" and something that i will be stretched in, i choose the harder path. i just always choose the hardest thing. i think somehow i have that tied to my spirituality, though i can't tell you how right now.

but somehow for the summer i found the freedom to actually go with my personality instead of against it. see... i live within a paradigm for growth. living overseas and being challenged all my life in many different ways has made me uncomfortable with being comfortable. i always want to grow and be out of my element just a little bit - with the hope that i will become a better person and more like Christ. i think i have a genuine fear of the complacency that normally accompanies being comfortable where i am. so somehow i always end up doing the hard things, or the neutral things the hard way.

i think in many ways this leads to being a more balanced person - i'm working on my weaknesses so they become less detrimental. but i think it also has caused me to not reach my full potential. in developing my weaknesses instead of my strengths i have not allowed myself to excel and strengthen my strengths.

maybe like so much of life, balance is needed. it's really good to develop and use the strengths that we have because that is who God has made us. but it's also good to seek growth and development in areas that we are weak so that as people we can be more balanced.

maybe the challenge for me this summer then, will be to put as much energy into developing my strengths as i normally would put into trying to overcome my weaknesses. there's no real reason why the growth paradigm has to be limited to just one kind of growth.

summer job

2006-02-17T00:57:00.000-05:00

i got a job!

i'll be working this summer in a federal government agency right in my own town. i don't have to drive more than 5 minutes to work each day, i'll get some school credit so i'll have less to do during my last 2 semesters, i'll be in a position to make contacts with some great people, i'll be researching & writing the summer away, i'll have nights & weekends to do whatever i want, and i'll have time to visit my family for several weeks.

i can't think of a position that would have been better for me. i'm so thankful that this is what God provided for me.

how evidence taught me grace

2006-02-15T01:39:00.000-05:00

my evidence class and a talk with a friend taught me a little bit about grace this week.

the federal rules of evidence don't really allow you to discuss a person's character during trial, with just a few exceptions. usually you can't bring up past actions (like a prior conviction for robbing a bank) to show that someone has a propensity to do something (like robbing in general), to show that they did something specific (like robbing the 7-11). we don't want someone convicted of a crime because he's a bad person - we want him convicted because there's enough evidence that he did it.

a friend and i did something to upset one of our best friends about a year ago. not a huge deal, only we live such a long distance from one another that it's been hard to reconnect. so she was visiting again for several weeks over Christmas, and i discovered that i wasn't really emotionally connecting with her. and so i tried to figure out why. eventually i discovered it was because i wasn't really sure what she thought of me anymore. she's a pretty emotional person. i'm a pretty sensitive person. she had responded in frustration in a way that made me wonder what she thought of me.

and that's where evidence comes in. i realized that i believed that she'd taken my negative action and made a negative inference about me. i believed that she no longer believed in me. and i don't know how to be real and vulnerable with someone who has known me deeply, yet stopped believing in me.

then i thought about grace - maybe that's what grace is. it's seeing the negative things that a person does, but not drawing a negative inference about them. it's allowing people to make mistakes, to be human, but to reserve judgment and keep thinking the best of them. and that really is how God sees us. he looks at us and does see the bad things that we do. but he doesn't infer bad things about us. in fact - he goes further and sees us through Christ's work on the cross. he is able to see the good in us, in spite of the bad things we do.

the reason the testimony about prior bad acts is kept out of court is because it's highly prejudicial. juries tend to give great weight to prior bad acts in determining current guilt. i think that's because that's the way we are in life too. we all to often see the bad acts and make the inference about bad character and then basically expect the person to keep doing bad things.

but i want to see the best in people. and i want people to believe the best about me, even when i do stupid things. is that what it means to always protect, always hope, always trust, and always persevere in love?

i kind of think it does.

a foot in both worlds

2006-02-07T22:19:00.000-05:00

my generation is a product of a strange mixture of the modern & postmodern cultures. as a result, i have adopted parts of both worlds. in addition, the world of law is primarily a modern world (at least until you start talking about policy). but the study of law tends to produce thinkers more comfortable with modern thinking than the postmodern.

this has affected me. but not quite enough, it seems. there's one area that i just cannot relearn to be modern about - a commitment to a future path. i cannot, to save my life, tell you what i want to do with my law degree. i can tell you, actually, about 50 things that i will want to do with it. i fully expect to have at least 10 different legal jobs.

and in every single interview (yep - had another one today), that is the one question i can't answer to anyone's satisfaction. i'm told i should just make something up - just choose one of the 50 things i want to do. but somehow that seems dishonest to me. so i somehow try to communicate that i have a huge worldview - lots that i would like to accomplish, but many different ways to get there. all of them seem almost equally acceptible to me. so i can't for the life of me tell the interviewers why their firm or agency is the place that i should be this summer.

i've actually had this same problem before. it was the very thing that got me in trouble with the infamous missions committee. so in this area, i am an inescapably post-modern thinker. i think i might just have to work for myself.

minutiae

2006-01-31T14:59:00.000-05:00

i've started several posts this last week, but haven't finished any of them. my thoughts are scattered in so many directions right now.

last weekend i went on a road trip to go to a retreat for law students. it was so encouraging to know there are other Christians out there doing legal work, who truly live spiritual lives & see law as a way to contribute to society. there is a lot of hostility to spirituality and toward a belief in absolute truth or values in the legal world. i don't think i was aware of how much of that is present. i don't think i realized how much it was changing my mindset about life. it was good to be reminded of where i've come from. it was good to see that it is possible to integrate faith & law. i think it is a constant struggle though.

i love mountains. i had a chance to drive through the mountains on my road trip. on the way home i had to stop for gas in the middle of nowhere, and drove off the highway down a mountain a couple of miles to get to a gas station. i wish that i'd had time to really enjoy the scenery as i drove. mountains have a special kind of beauty that's not found in other places.

i found out in class tonight that i have to have all my research for my paper done by next week. yikes! i've been working hard, but i'm nowhere near done. so i'll be in the library all day tomorrow & on Saturday, and probably some of Sunday too. i was feeling very unmotivated this week though, so tonight was a reality check. so yeah - that's what i'll be doing this weekend.

a very good friend is home right now from the mission field. last night we had a couple of hours to just hang out & talk. it was so fun for me. i can't remember the last time i've just taken a night off & talked about regular stuff. i tend to get lost in my scholarly world & lose sight of what everyone else thinks & does.

sorry to bore you with the little details of my life. i would much rather be writing about something interesting... but i've just not had the kind of atmosphere needed to foster that kind of thought. soon, i hope.

a little blue

2006-01-21T22:48:00.000-05:00

well, if you're wondering where i've been lately, i can tell you that i've entered the wonderful world of The Bluebook - A Uniform System of Citation. yes, that's right. hours and hours of practice exercises on how to cite cases, books, articles... all in proper bluebook form. i have entered the exciting world of legal scholarship, where every single assertion must be supported by the weight of someone else's statements or research, and often the footnotes to a paper are longer than the substance of a paper.

the time i've spent researching the actual topic of the paper has been a little more fun. today i worked several hours organizing the material i've already found. once i had it organized i could more clearly see the arguments that i'll want to make, and the holes in the research that i still have to fill (they're pretty numerous). after so much research my head is swimming and i can't quite focus anymore.

and that, my friends, is all i've been doing - the exciting world of this law school student. i'm beginning to wish again for the days when there is some boundary between work and the rest of your life - when what you do doesn't take every hour of every day and there is time for relationships and thinking & applying knowledge to real life, and when i actually have something to talk about that would intersect with a normal person's life.

i'd like to think that when i graduate, it will be better. but i think that will all depend on the job that i choose. i'll try to choose wisely.

to prosecute or not to prosecute...

2006-01-16T00:53:00.000-05:00

i've been trying to imagine what it would be like to spend a summer in a prosecutor's office. i got another job offer in the mail this weekend (the govt doesn't call, they write...). i actually have to set up one more interview, but i don't think i could do anything to ruin it at this point.

speaking of interviews... i really thought i bombed this one. i went in to the interview, and the guy proceeded to ask me about what i would do as a prosecutor in 3 different factual situations. i thought i did awful. because i kept wanting more information. and i wanted to be able to see the people he was talking about - to see if they were believable. i learned that day how much my discretion as a prosecutor/lawyer will be dependent on my ability to gauge people's actions & reactions - their body language, tone of voice, and a million other things. so i could barely answer the questions. in the end i felt i had to explain my inability to answer. i was up-front with the guy. i guess it all worked out.

so anyway - i've been imagining what it would be like to walk into a courtroom for my first case... the fear, the excitement. in one way i feel like i absolutely don't know enough to walk into a courtroom - i mean, just the procedural stuff is enough to give me a headache. but it would be intensely practical, very stretching, and would totally give me the chance to learn the types of things you can't learn in a classroom.

in my daydreams i can't figure out what personality i would have in the courtroom. i am a performer - i can be very dramatic. i also am inherently believable - people look at me & think trustworthy... but i'm also soft-spoken. people underestimate my strength & the strength of my beliefs. i'd have to work on that, i think. as an advocate you have to believe that what you're arguing is true - and if you don't believe it, you at least have to convince everyone else that you do.

the real question i have is whether i would be confident or hesitant. i'd be hesitant at first, to be sure. but would i ever get past that, past my inhibitions? i don't know. if i did, i think i could learn to be good at being a prosecutor.

i can't deny that i love to read & study & be by myself for hours. it's very tempting to try to find a job where i could do that all the time. it would be so much easier to stay in my comfort zone and find a job like that. there's not much of a risk of failure there. but long term i do need some interaction. i only like to study inasmuch as it has an effect on real life. and i do love to be stretched & forced to grow. being comfortable tends to make me apathetic.

so... to prosecute or not to prosecute... that's the question.

the groove

2006-01-11T00:35:00.000-05:00

i'm getting into the swing of things a little bit now. back to studying almost constantly.

i thought tax would be the worst class. indeed, there's much about tax that i don't know and that i'll have to work hard to understand. but i really enjoy a challenge, so i'm looking forward to learning more about the tax system. i think once i get the language down the concepts will follow.

i think the worst class will actually turn out to be my remedies class - it's just not as interesting, not as forthright as a code class (like tax), and not as organized in presentation.

i think i've found a topic for my paper though, with the help of a really great professor. one thing my school has that many others don't are professors who sincerely love to teach and are interested in contributing to students' lives. i think i'm going to really enjoy the research process, and i'm sure i'll enjoy the writing. i'll keep you posted on how it goes, and whether i end up getting it published. that's kind of a long shot, but it would be really great.

on the job front, i heard back from a government agency - that i made their "alternate list," which means i have to make it through a background check and wait to hear if i make it into their internship program. that was pretty exciting, though it means i've got to wait a while longer to decide what i'm going to this summer. i'm also waiting to hear back from a government agency here in town, where i may get an interview and a position for this summer. but i'm no stranger to the waiting game, so i'm content to wait & see what opportunities come to me.

so those are the updates. i'll be working on some more interesting thoughts to write about next.

writer's block

2006-01-06T23:46:00.000-05:00

you'd think in a world where there are so many legal controversies, i would be able to easily find something to write a potential law review article about. but... i'm having a very hard time. i've discovered that i'm really interested in the law because of how it relates to and impacts many other subject areas - i'm kind of an interdisciplinary person. the focus of a normal law review article is to critique a certain area of law. so i'm having a hard time just sticking to the law without bringing other things to bear on the subject.

i also have no confidence that i'll be able to come up with some new angle or new legal argument that no one has ever thought of before. i just don't know enough about the law. after really studying an area, i'm certain i'll have an opinion, and something to say on the subject. but i cannot assure myself that i will necessarily have something new to contribute to the conversation.

now i've got to get back to my tedious review of slip opinions and interesting legal issues; until something starts to come together. hopefully you'll have a better weekend than i will... :)

happy new year

2006-01-01T02:41:00.000-05:00

and so it begins. it's back to my studies starting tomorrow. i'm hoping to be a little more balanced this year. the first year of law school is the most intense, after that it seems to get easier. last semester, however, i barely caught my breath from the moment the semester began because of interviews for summer positions and added extra-curricular activities. i am hoping that this term will be different, and am already planning and striving for balance.

balance is always a struggle for me. i don't know if it is so for all of humanity, or just for those of my personality. i have never been able to give less than 100% to anything, so if i over-commit, i don't have a chance.

so anyway, i hope that you all have a very happy new year. with my mind more engaged with schoolwork, i assume that i will be blogging more regularly again.

Sam

2005-12-24T15:04:00.000-05:00

Samwise Gamgee is my hero.

flannel time

2005-12-21T11:46:00.000-05:00

so apparently i am not being creative enough in law school.

i had all these plans of what i wanted to do on my time off - mostly as close to nothing as possible. but i found myself instead desiring to create things. i started off with my traditional once-a-year flannel pajama pants... bought the fabric and sewed those one night. but then i thought about all my scraps of fabric from previous pj's... and i decided to make a flannel quilt.

so after having cleaned my house from top to bottom, i proceeded to pull out my box of old fabric from the bottom of the closet,dumped it all over the floor, and began to cut out pieces.

this was not exactly out of the blue, since i have long wished to make a quilt out of flannel. but i wasn't really planning on spending my time working so hard on something. so anyway, 8pm monday you would have found me at the fabric store, buying a couple more fabrics for the top and the backing & batting. and then last night at 1am you would have seen me pulling the just-finished quilt out of the dryer. so now it's done.

quilting has always been really good for me. when i was doing full-time ministry in a very stressful environment, where the kids i was working with continually made horrible choices and found themselves locked up or hurting somehow, quilting gave me something tangible to do - where i could actually see i was making progress and have an end product to hold in my hand - to point to and say that my time was not wasted. now i suppose it is a little bit the same. i am learning much in law school, but currently have nothing to show for it. so now i have a flannel quilt, to show me that i am not only living life in my mind and to remind me that i am indeed a human being.

now i suppose i'm on to baking... breads, sweet rolls, curry, cookies... yes - i am not being creative enough in law school.

happy thoughts

2005-12-17T20:27:00.000-05:00

i am now officially halfway through lawschool. woohoo! i am so ready for a celebration.

instead, i'll be cleaning my house, catching up with people i never see, reading books, watching movies, sewing some brand new flannel pajama pants, and other such relaxing and enjoyable activities.

and i'm going to try really, really hard not to start my homework for next semester. i have to admit that i am somewhat addicted to the process of learning, and i love new material. i get to study evidence, tax (yikes!), remedies, ADR, write a law review article, and do a directed study on mediation. sounds like a good time to me! :)

so here's to cozy winter nights and holiday cheer and only doing the homework i want to do.

now--if only they'd play the old claymation christmas program on tv...

on giving

2005-12-14T17:12:00.000-05:00

i've been thinking some about giving, during this Christmas season. i find myself without close family nearby for the holidays, and it's been interesting to try to figure out what i'm going to do with my time.

i've had some random offers to spend time with people - from strangers at my church, to people i half-know, to one of my best friends from school. and as i've considered who i would be most comfortable taking from, it's definitely the people i have relationships with. i don't really want to interrupt a holiday celebration of someone i don't know. but i'm a little more comfortable intruding on the kindness of people who know and love me already.

then i compare that to how many people traditionally give during this season. one of my classes, actually, got together to adopt a family through the United Way & buy them gifts, household items, and a Christmas meal. we pooled our money, sent out representatives to buy, and i'm sure overwhelmed them with the amount of stuff that we brought to them.

but as i read my professor's description of the visit on our school website, i was immediately uncomfortable. besides the fact that his descriptions made the law students sound like knights arriving on white horses to bring salvation to a family living in a hovel, really our giving was void of relationship. we had no relationship with the woman and her children when we gave her these gifts. so what did our gifts communicate to her? how did our presentation of those gifts make her feel?

it is possible to give in a way that dehumanizes people. it's possible to give thinking only of the wonderful tingly feeling you get when you give something to another person, or thinking of what a wonderful person you are. it's possible to give in a way that's hurtful to others.

and this brings me to the whole idea of charity and welfare, the church's role and the government's role. i saw many things while working with at-risk youth, and one of my observations was what happens to people who receive welfare. many people who get welfare really would rather be working - they would rather be out there earning their own money than just taking from the government. in many ways, allowing them to just take the money each month dehumanizes them in the same way that some giving dehumanizes the receiver. we are meant to work, to contribute to our families, our societies, to be a part of procuring the things we need for ourselves. though many of us cannot do that on our own, and need help from our communities, we still need to have an active role.

so one of the problems i see with our current governmental welfare system (and the more socialistic welfare systems of other nations), is that we put people into a position where they are allowed to become dehumanized, so that they are no longer even able to contribute to society. i understand that to try to tie welfare in with people and relationships makes it a lot more difficult, and the bureaucracies of our government probably can't handle it. but really, are we helping people? is this an outcome that is intended? if not, what might we be able to do about it?

that, i think, is where faith-based programs could really be effective. with these kinds of programs, at least you have the option of making the giving and receiving somewhat relational. additionally, people can receive not only monetary assistance, but also find a community support system, which is another thing that's essential, but often lacking.

i'm really not sure that handing out just money is the right thing to do.

designer what?!

2005-12-06T23:19:00.000-05:00

so i was on my way to a meeting this weekend, and heard an advertisement on the radio for a new kind of toilet paper.

yes toilet paper. and i was struck by the ridiculousness of it all.

you see, we have quilted, one-ply, two-ply, different colors, different patterns... the list goes on. there are people out there who actually spend their working lives developing new kinds of toilet paper - indeed, the advertisement was explaining how this kind was for some reason so much better than the other kinds currently available.

i just had to stop for a minute.

our nation is so wealthy. we're so wealthy, that we don't even know what poverty is. even those who have been displaced by the recent hurricane have more than those in some other nations can even dream of.

why is it so difficult for us to be generous? why do we hold so tightly to the things that we have? why do we buy designer toilet paper, when we could simplify our lives and have more to give?

God forgive us.

exams - they are a'coming

2005-12-03T23:17:00.000-05:00

exams are almost here.

after i'm done with them, i'll be halfway through law school - yay!

if you notice a greater than usual lapse in my posts, just picture me with my lovely law outlines studying my days (and nights) away.

stealing christmas?

2005-11-30T10:11:00.000-05:00

i'm just not sure what to think about all this controversy over calling "Christmas" trees "holiday" trees. my gut reaction is that it really doesn't matter - i mean, the meaning of Christmas has absolutely nothing to do with the Christmas tree. in fact, if i remember correctly, the Christmas tree was actually part of pagan festivals around the end/first of the year that Christians sort of took over and made part of the Christmas celebration.

but really - what does the tree have to do with Christmas anyway? it really is sort of representative of the holiday season as a whole. no one is taking the manger, and calling it a "holiday manger." no one is taking the cross and calling it a "holiday cross." if i were going to live and die for some symbols of faith, i think those would be more likely.

however, i know that there is a deeper issue here, and that's the question of whether our society will become void of religion. how much are children allowed to talk about their religious beliefs at school? how much are adults allowed to practice or communicate about their faith at work? how much are governmental leaders allowed to speak about prayer? are athiests really so much in the minority politically, that they need to be protected by taking "in God we trust" out of our money?

the quesiton is, what kind of society do we want to become? in truth, the founders of the country were religious to some extent. our whole ideology is founded on judeo-christian values of working hard, forgiveness, ethics, etc. not all of these values are espoused in a "Christian" way, and not all of them really reflect the values and the principles of God's character as he communicates it in Scripture. but to deny that those things were part of the foundation of our nation - i don't know. we can re-write history, if we want to... but at what cost?

separation of church and state is probably a pretty good idea. but we've gone way beyond that, i think, when we don't allow people to live lives of faith that encompass their whole being. if we have the expectation that people will dichotomize their faith from their public lives - well... i don't think it's going to work. there is a segment of people in any religion who believe that faith is supposed to transform and be central to their lives. they will not dichotomize no matter what anyone tells them.

i find this whole discussion completely fascinating. there is a real ideological conflict going on - much of it in the courts - and there is no assurance of which ideology will win. it will be really interesting to see how the "in God we trust" case makes it through the 9th circuit (though the disposition of that case in that circuit may be fairly predictable), and then if the Supreme Court sees fit to hear the case. the history of religious rights and freedoms in our nation has been fairly convoluted, and the Court has not held a consistent position throughout the years. very interesting stuff...

a job offer

2005-11-26T21:44:00.000-05:00

so i got my first actual law job offer today. exciting stuff.

it's with an organization committed to fighting for civil liberties. it would mean being able to study constitutional law for the summer, and to have the opportunity to advocate for something i believe in.

so i guess i have some decisions to make. i'm still waiting to hear back from a couple of other places. and being an organization rather than a firm, i wouldn't be making much money - so i'll have to see if i could make it work. but it's fun to know that i have the option of such a great opportunity.

just thought i'd share the good news. exams are coming, so i may not be around much for the next couple of weeks. but i'll be saving up a bunch of things to talk about afterwards.

a missing person

2005-11-22T21:51:00.000-05:00

an interesting thing occurred this weekend. i was at church, and in our little sunday school class we were discussing the presence of God in our everyday life. we were using a pre-set curriculum, and it directed us to the Bible where we were supposed to look at Jesus's life, and how he stayed close to God while he was on earth.

what i found interesting was that we never read a thing about the Holy Spirit. how did Jesus's life on earth and his ministry become divorced from the Spirit's power? how is it that we somehow think that we can encounter God without the presence of the Spirit?

i always thought that it was the Spirit who enables us to understand Scripture, to hear the voice of God in our lives. i thought that the Spirit was the comforter, our advocate. i thought it was the Spirit that gives us gifts and does the refining and transforming work in our hearts and lives.

either i'm missing something, or we have a person missing from the Trinity.

the scripts we follow

2005-11-18T18:31:00.000-05:00

everyone is following their own relational script, and each script has its own set of rules.

where do these scripts with their rules come from?

family culture

what kind of relationship your parents have with each other – their roles, the way they treat each other
what your parents tell you/show you about how to treat others
how you & your siblings relate

community culture

the difference between the east coast & the west coast
the difference between a rural and city community

greater culture

Western thinking
Eastern thinking
American
Australian
Chinese

values & beliefs about right & wrong

religious beliefs/faith
cultural mores about right & wrong/relationships

so when two people meet and a relationship begins to form, they are each interpreting the other’s actions through their own script. what you say and do, i interpret according to my own script (what your actions would mean if I did them) and vice versa.

very early on i realized that people have different scripts. i moved overseas when i was 13, right at the age you would normally be learning how to form lasting relationships. being dropped into another culture during that point of life basically amplifies all of these factors. not only are you trying to figure out how a normal person makes friends and keeps them, you’re also trying to figure out what script everyone is living by in the broader cultural sense. unfortunately, these scripts aren’t written down anywhere, so you kind of have to learn as you go.

along the way, i adopted some of the values and cultural tendencies from Asia. i also realized, after trying to have cross-cultural friendships, that it’s a lot easier to identify the scripts and their rules outright and in conversation with the other person than to try to figure them out on your own. even if you can’t totally figure out what’s going on, if two people talk about it and agree, you can make up your own rules for the relationship that will fit with the script that each of you is following.

i’m pretty sure that this is an issue in all relationships, because everyone is from a different family. no one is going to be following the exact same script as someone else. not being aware of that fact often causes conflict, but people will attribute these differences to personality, or maybe even make them a character issue. unspoken expectations are really hard to deal with.

however, for cross-cultural kids, i think these issues are always going to be big issues, at least at the outset of a relationship. by virtue of living in another culture, we no longer really fit in any one culture – our script has foreign words thrown in here and there. the whole thing makes sense to us, but the people from neither culture will be able to totally relate to everything that we do or say.

my response to this issue has been to become very direct in relationship formation. while i have adopted much of Asia’s indirect communication style, in this one area i am often shockingly direct. i like to simply lay it all on the table, explaining the script that i follow and the rules that make sense to me, so that we can start out on the same page. it saves me a lot of agony trying to figure things out by trying to interpret what’s going on, and saves the other person the trauma of trying to figure out where the heck i’m coming from all the time.

it’s been interesting this week as i’ve made 2 new friends. one is another cross-cultural kid. his response to my direct communication seemed positive. we’re conversing now quite freely about a lot of things. each of our scripts still exists, but at least we recognize that they’re there.

the other reaction was very different – the person was not quite sure what to do with my comments, and how to respond. i think it sets normal people off balance a little to be told they even have to think about such things. to be honest, i receive the second reaction much more often than the first.

i have to tell you though, it feels good to occasionally make a friend where the script is similar for both of us. it’s a lot easier to make small changes to the script to adapt to the relationship than to make big ones. after moving so many times, and trying to learn lots of scripts, one of the things that makes me feel most at home is knowing that another person either shares a similar script or at least realizes that the script is there. with my family recently gone again, it’s been comforting to remember that there are others who see the scripts and are willing to deal with them.

article nine

2005-11-17T19:42:00.000-05:00

if anyone is looking for new ways to torture or annoy people, i would suggest article nine of the uniform commercial code.

this is the law that governs secured transactions, where a person's personal property or fixtures secure a loan.

whoever wrote the article, i swear, did so with the intent of torturing those who would be forced to read and interpret it. there must have been a more user-friendly way to organize the information and explain what they actually mean.

this is one class that i will not be sad to leave behind. but i am glad that i don't have to learn it for the first time when i study for the bar exam... i would have failed the secured transactions portion if that were the case.

so - i'm off to torture myself with the study of it. wish me luck...

Fields v. Palmdale School District

2005-11-16T21:25:00.000-05:00

i don't write much about law here, because the more that i learn in law school, the more i realize that i don't know. there's so much out there, and we're doing such a sweeping overview that it's unfair to say that i know more than a little bit of the language and am beginning to understand the process of reasoning that the law requires.

that said, i've been very interested by the 9th Circuit's recent decision in Fields v. Palmdale School District that says that a parent does not have a constitutional right to control sex education in public schools. the reasons i'm interested in this are many: i have found that i absolutely love constitutional law... more than any other class, i enjoy learning it, reading it & thinking about it; i'm also in the middle of a big research paper for a writing class on non-parental visitation & custody, and how the recent decision of Troxel v. Granville in 2000 has affected the constitutionality of these things, so this topic is at the forefront of my mind; finally, one of the most interesting topics of constitutional law for me was the privacy interests that have somewhere been extended from the right to be left alone in your own home and the rights that are now among the "penumbra of privacy" interests supposedly protected by the 4th amendment... very interesting stuff.

so when i heard about the decision, i had to go & look it up. and when i did, i was struck again by how differently a legal mind thinks than a normal person's mind. being so new to the legal community, i'm still using both sides of my brain - and hopefully i'll be able to continue throughout life. but this is how it's different:

when you read about sex education, you think, yeah - parents should have a right to make decisions about what their kids encounter at school. different kids require different sensitivities, different levels of knowledge, etc. and it's my understanding that many states have laws about this, or maybe school districts have policies that will allow the parents to opt children out of sexual education classes. this is a good thing. and if you look at other cases in courts, you do see that sexuality is supposed to be something that's part of protected privacy... right? seems logical. and you realize that if the school district stops asking parents, the parents who care are going to take their kids out of the schools - send them to charter schools or private schools, etc, where parental involvement is much more recognized. so on a lot of levels the parental outrage makes sense, & you want the parents to win. you want the decision to be that parents have a right to at the very least be informed of the kind of education their kids are receiving.

and then you look at the case. the action was brought not under state law, but a federal civil rights action. and to be honest, i've never even read the statute that gives rise to that cause of action. but in actuality, the case was decided on the basis of the pure privacy interest debate - the privacy rights of parents having to do with the sexuality of their children. and i've got to say, i think the court made the right legal decision. because i really do think that we're already beyond the scope of the privacy rights granted in the constitution, with our decisions about bodily autonomy, etc. it's not that i think we shouldn't have those rights... i'm just not sure that they come from the constitution. if the court had decided that parents have this fundamental right... had said it was a fundamental liberty interest... it seems like that would have been an extension of a principle. and i for one, am not sure that that principle should be extended any further than it is.

and truly, the court had a good point, as far as social policy. do we really want to grant every single parent in a public school district the right to dictate what is taught & how it's taught? probably not... how would a school function then? it's already hard enough for the schools to get kids educated.

but there might be some other answers. like the parents could have petitioned on a local level for an information requirement about all sexual education classes/activities. they could have petitioned their state to institute state laws that gave them that kind of protection. they could have insisted on it, formed a grassroots effort, and taken their kids out of the schools.

but they didn't - they chose to sue and effectively to try to extend the privacy rights of parents. so that's interesting to me. because you know that the "conservative" base is usually the group that would be uncomfortable with sex education. and yet these same people are arguing that the constitution should be interpreted to the letter, and nothing more. so i have to wonder... what were the parents thinking? did they understand legally what they were trying to do? or were they operating from the regular person mindset that sees a problem & wants to fix it, but not realizing what effect the decision would have if they won?

interesting questions. and just so you know, i'm not sure exactly where i stand in the constitutional law realm yet. i'm still trying to discern where i would come down on so many issues. these are just kind of my initial gut-reactions... my disclaimer is that i'm just a law student spouting off... i'm not well enough informed to actually know yet.

just a glimpse

2005-11-15T21:30:00.000-05:00

mmm... books have got to be my most favorite things in the whole world.

i recently attended a party at one of my professor's homes. when he was giving us all a tour, he took us into the library, and into the living room, both of which had shelves & shelves of books. and i was drawn in. i could have spent hours perusing the shelves, looking through the books, feeling them, smelling them.

i love books. i love them because they have the power to transport you to another world. i love them because they can teach you empathy - to really feel what another person (real or imaginary) is thinking and feeling. i love that they lead to knowledge and understanding. i think above all - i love to learn. books represent all of the things that are out there that i don't know, but could spend a lifetime learning.

i also like looking at other people's books because they tell you a lot about who they are. my professor has books on opera, Hitler, Germany (I gather he's of German descent), art, and law, of course.

when i came home & looked at my shelves, i wondered what my bookshelves would tell you about me...

i have my dad's castoff introductory theology books - giving a snapshot of my childhood home. i have lots of children's books - i love the innocence and fun of reading a good kid's book - CS Lewis's Narnia, the Magic Bicycle, Caddie Woodlawn, Tales of the Kingdom, and Charlie & the Chocolate Factory... and many more. they also remind me of my childhood - i wasn't one to play much, but i constantly had a book in my hand - no matter where i went. and then i have my favorite historical fiction books. my favorite authors include George MacDonald & Michael Phillips, who edited many of MacDonald's books & later wrote many of his own. i read most of those in my teens, and they had a profound impact on my spiritual growth. and then of course i have my textbooks - psych books and youth ministry from undergrad, and law textbooks from now.

so there you go. just a glimpse of what's on my shelves, and maybe a glimpse of who i am.

seeing through the veil of humanity

2005-11-13T19:36:00.000-05:00

do you ever wonder how much what you believe is truth is affected by subjective things?

moving overseas as a teenager made me see how much our culture affects our perception. those things that we would call right or wrong, the process we might use to get there, and the whole framework from which we see the world is affected by the worldview that is born in our culture.

in recent years i've also seen how much personality affects perspective. two people can have the same thing happen and yet experience it differently. one person, whose personality thrives in rationality, will see and experience truth in a very cognitive way. a different person, driven by emotion, will sense truth, will sense what is real.

these things also affect our relationships, i think, and is one reason why every relationship looks different. every marriage is made up of two individuals, distinct as individuals, and together, distinct from other couples. what works in their relationship may not work in others, because they are unique. the way each experiences their relationship may be different from the other, and the way they experience it as a couple is different from other couple's relationships. cultural values also affect our expectations of what relationships will be like: what we will gain from them, what we will give to them, and what they should consist of.

all this makes me wonder how much our personalities and our worldviews affect the way we see and experience God. many of us walk thru life believing that we really know and understand who God is, and what he wants - almost as if he is containable inside the human imagination. sometimes i think that we forget that our understanding of truth - of God - is limited by our human perspective, a perspective that is informed by our personality, culture, and life experience.

we are so quick to call our beliefs truth. it's so tempting to do so. to know truth is to be secure - or at least to think that you're secure.

besides the fact that he is a being who exists apart from our beliefs, could our diversity of personality and life experience account for some of the differences we face? could this be a reason that God seems near to some, yet far from others?

i think that it must.

i do believe that God is truth. i believe that truth - that God - is absolute. i simply understand that whatever i know of God & experience of him is affected by my humanity.

just a little note

2005-11-12T00:33:00.000-05:00

i know... it's been a bit since i've written a good, thoughtful post. i have been thinking about things - but nothing developed enough to write about. in addition, the semester is getting down to the wire - studies for exams, final paper for my writing class - just trying to keep up with life & i seem to be losing at the moment.

i'll be be back soon - i promise...

-K